First And Last Weekend In IMU

It’s my last weekend in IMU, and this weekend is also the first time for me to stay here for the weekend, usually I would have been back to hometown or travel to other place. Never really stay here for the whole weekend, so it’s quite new for me about the things or the activities that I can do here. And because of that, I don’t even know what to do, so I stay here without much thing to do, trapping myself again, as usual.

Friday night passed slowly, as I spent my time sticking my face to the computer, while my body lied like dead people on the bed. Ate the same food, did the same things and time still walking without slowing down…

Saturday arrived, my face still stuck to the computer screen, games after games, feeling extremely bored. Not so sure if it was loneliness, or the rolling thoughts in my mind, my mood went down to the lowest point. Luckily, before I went even deeper, my housemate invited me to go out to nearby neighbourhood for dinner, at least I had a great meal. At night, thought I would be going to travel again, packed up and took the LRT to the train station. Arrived there with hope, but never I thought that the schedule would have changed. Feeling down again, wasted all my time and effort traveling to the train station, I rewarded myself a raspberry flavor twist from MacDonald and all the way for this ice-cream…

Woke up pretty early on Sunday morning, turned around on bed, still insisting not to get up, at last gave up due to the sunlight that penetrated through the windows. Decided to went out to shop today, took a shower and went there. Bought myself some clothes for the coming Chinese New Year, and loafed around until my legs felt the pain from the walking. Thought I would be alone again at night, so lucky that my aunt called, went out for a good dinner with her, for the last time, since I am leaving, I guess. The night was very cold due to the heavy rain, but somehow I felt warm inside…

And, that was it, my first and last weekend in IMU…

Sorrow

Feeling extremely down these days, the heart isn't feeling well, the pain is increasing as days pass, there's no tears, nothing... though the tears are shedding deep inside the heart, and i am feeling it...

I looked around, people seem fine and happy with their lives, and i wonder, how many are there that can understand how i feel? How many are there experiencing this kind of torturing like me? And how many are there, that can see through me?

The weather is beautiful, should be a great day, but it isn't. I closed my eyes, and feel my heart beating, wish i can heal myself. If angels exist, then please, help me...

Will anyone understand how i feel? The kind of sadness...I am all alone, again.

The dice has been thrown, where are you going then? I wonder myself too, if only i know the answer, if only i have the strength, if only...

The pain, the sadness, the sorrow, can you feel me? Can you see my tears? Can you understand? I wish i can understand myself too. Nevermind...i guess.

Perhaps other's sadness and sorrow is the source of my torturing, because the more you care, the more you feel ,and the more you see...

Imperfection

I have always believed that i am imperfect and there are flaws in me, as we all know that there's no such 100% perfect human. But i have never really noticed what flaws i have until recently, i finally realized how 'defected' am i, from every perspective, physically, mentally, biologically, psychologically, socially and etc etc.

I am not a good looking person (in fact to a certain limit, i am very ugly), nor being granted a sexy body, but at least i am healthy and that's something i am really happy about. Other than that,i am selfish, self-centred, very possesive, very lazy, indecisive, timid, nervous and lots lots. I don't even have the bravery to shout at people, and to get angry and explode to the others. I think too much that i always afraid that i might be losing something or someone, if i have unleashed the anger out. The inability to get angry, and always be sad, is killing me softly somehow, because i have to shut everything to myself, let it explode inside my heart, leaving it bleeding all the time.

Occasionally, i would received some sms from my ex-classmates, wishing me luck or greetings me. And to be frankly, i have seldom replied them, i guess i don't really worth being their friends. I trapped myself at my apartment everyday after school, except going out for food. Locked inside this room, i never really wanted to go out, even if my school friends ask me out to shop around, or to movie.I thought i have everything, and there's no need to look around. Always playing the stupid computer games, i spent my time day after day. Am i addicted to them? Or is it just because i am too bored? Or it's the way to avoid 'unhealthy' hobbies? I often wonder myself.

I don't really understand, why some of my ex-classmates are still so good to me, sending sms sometimes, which i have never done, except to reply them. What is it in me that makes them remember me? With all the defects, i doubted i am a true friend to them. People have been so nice to me sometimes, but i have never been really nice to them, except for those i care. I feel ashamed of myself, for being myself, like that.

It's time to change, i suppose. Though changing is one of the things that human can hardly do. People don't change, i guess. Even so, i have to tried, because i don't want to be such a lousy person, to everyone. I have thought that i am satisfied with everything,that i have almost all, but now that i finally know i deserve nothing more than i get, cause nothing i have is truly mine...

Friday Night At Apartment

Usually during every Friday i would have either taken bus back to hometown or my second home, had never stayed in this apartment during weekend. So today is sort of a special day, i have to stay here for tomorrow's CPR lesson, don't really want to skip that, as CPR techniques are such a valuable skills for us as medical student, just in case of emergencies. And imagine, if there's an emergency, and as medical student, i don't even know how to perform CPR life-saving skills...that will be embarrasing. Besides, it might help me when i enter Monash University this February (very soon). Hence, for all the factors, finally i decided not to skip this lesson tomorrow, and stay here in my apartment.

It's a weird feeling knowing today is Friday , and i am here at my apartment and not in a bus nor already at home, helping mom to cook bits; nor rushing to catch the MRT at this hour. Locking myself at this small cozy room, my only partner is the laptop. Not that it's talkable, but at least i can play games and talk with others through it. Boring perhaps, not doing anything but just playing games and reading. If i view from the other perspective, it's probably an enjoyable 'activity'. I might even miss it once i move to Monash, as i heard rumours that the MBBS course is pretty packed up, going to be really busy soon. Well, i guess i should just rest and enjoy now, before the beginning of a hectic journey.

Eating the same food (uhh, can't stand them), and not really up to mood. The internet is slow, the room is sort of untidy and dirty, still coughing with lots of phlegm...This is my Friday night in my apartment.

当我们宅一块 , Let's Dance

While travelling back to my apartment in Kuala Lumpur today, i happened to listen to a new song by a Taiwan pop singer (羅志祥), broadcasted by the radio. And honestly, if i wasn't sitting in the car and unable to move freely, i would have jumped up and danced around. Imagine that!

The name of the song is called '当我们宅一块', which means 'when we are together' if we interpret from the pronunciation and it means ' when we live together' if we read the words of the title of the song. It's such a light, cheerful, easy, happy-go-lucky and danceable song. Definitely have the power to make your day brighter and happier. It makes you wanna to jump up , feel as if you are flying high in the sky. And to think about it, isn't it wonderful to have a song that can lighten up your mood, ignite your inner 'engine' and create some laughters?

So, let's move your shoulder, shake your waist, nod your head, dance with your feet, stretch your arms and oh yea, open up your mouth - smile ~!!!

Let's dance...!




(By the way, they are skate-dancing. Very cute, hahaha)

A Hint...

Had been very lazy since my holidays ended 2 weeks ago. There's very little spirits inside me as there's no such a powerful force that can make me move forward, hence i couldn't really focus on much things. This is the time when i usually just spend all my time eating, playing games, reading and sleeping. I can lie on bed with my eyes stick on my notebook screen for hours and don't even have to get up for anything. Life seems still stucking and stopping in year 2007 and definitely this means a boring life.

So, today wake up quite late, at about 8.45am. The sun is hanging high in the sky and radiating heat to everything below it, including my little room. The curtain couldn't really prevent the strong heat from getting inside my room, and sooner than i thought, my room is warming up fast. My sleep was of course being disturbed, and i have to open up my eyes. The rays of the sun shine through the slit of the curtains and hit exactly on the book beside me as i open my eyes. It is a black leather book, with silver lining, and with the sunlight shines on it, it looks so elegant and extra beautiful. And sudenly, i can feel the surge of strong electrical impulses generating action potential through my neurons cells located in my brain, and i am being electrocuted instantly. I guess i just got an imaginary force growing inside me, and the spirits are getting stronger...

I know what i should do for this year, and i am going to be more 'systematic' in handling my life this year with the planner. I bet it will be more productive this way. I ll be more discipline and life will be easier, i believe...Yes, it will be great year ahead.

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Welcome Year 2008 : Happy New Year

It's year 2008 already. Another year is going to start from today, and everyone is happy, and the air is fully saturated with new hopes and dreams, just like how the fireworks explode in the sky. There are countdown parties everywhere, in almost every city around the world. The atmosphere is warm and laughter can been seen and heard here and there. A new year is going to start after the clock strikes 12pm midnight, and people are all in full spirits, welcoming a new year, with the hope of a brighther future. Huge celebrations here and there, for the wishes which bloom inside everyone's heart...

And for me, there's no programme, no countdown party, nor any form of celebration. Alone, i sat in front of the computer, decided to countdown inside the game. It's pretty quiet here in the room, no sound of fireworks, except occasionally sound of firecrackers can be heard distance from the neighbourhood. Perhaps the loneliness somehow wrapped me around, forming invisible walls that cool me down, making me feeling low and down. So, i decided to have some fun playing online games, at least i won the game, haha. Sooner than i realize, it's already 1 am, time to go sleep. The sadness has made me feel extra tired, so i slept without much problem.

Woke up today, and it's already a new year. Neither feeling sad nor happy, i just feel sleepy but glad that i have a book (The Horse Whisperer) to read and that i learnt something precious from the dream i had yesterday night.

Helping around with house chores, play some games, read my book and i am contented. Oh yea, did i forget something?

Happy New Year 2008 ~~!

(*smiles)