Sudden Lost Of Spirit

Feeling sick for a week and now finally recover. It was my rural placement week in Segamat, Johor. Arrived there on Monday, the beautiful scenes, the scent of palm oil trees and leaves of rubber trees somehow made me feel belonged. And yes, this is the kind of places I grown up, a rural small town, with all the trees and the wide blue sky. My mind was floating around, just like the white clouds in the sky, couldn’t stop feeling nostalgic. It’s so peaceful, so warm to just walk on the ground and let the wind refresh the body.

Recently, I have lost myself. Couldn’t be sure where my mind went, nor where my direction was. Lots of problems, with this and that, trying to find an equilibrium all the time, and sometimes I just want to run away, to play games or just to sleep soundly. My mind always gone blank, and I don’t have the spirit to do anything. I feel like just wanna to eat, sleep and play. Sometimes, it’s just me, this stupid ‘sudden lost of spirit’, the boring one…

Will it be better tomorrow? I lied on my bed and thinking again, time passed slowly, and again I have been on bed for hours. My eyelids were falling slowly, deep inside I hope it will be a beautiful day tomorrow…

Time Bomb

It's been the second week to back to university, new semester and a new beginning. Life has been so busy, so packed up and so messed up with lots of problems shooting from every single angle directed towards me. Rushing here and there, trying to concentrate all the times with memory snaps keep interrupting my mind. I couldn't stay focus for a longer time, and keep having mood swing. I know what's wrong with me, all the problems - love, family, friends, studies and etc etc...I hide them well enough that i think i deserve the award as best actor.

Trying really hard to organize my ''new'' life, so that i can keep up with the studies, and doing my best not to ignore other parts of my life, and at last i guess i screwed up everything. Feeling down from time to time, i cheered myself up, and my mind sort of ''shutting down'' in response to run away from the reality. I become so sleepy most of the times, and just couldn't control myself. Each problem inside the heart is like a small particle, sum up with all the small particles, it's like a time bomb to explode, anytime and anything can triggers it off.

And often, there are 2 ways to release all the hidden feelings, either you laugh out loudly like a crazy maniac or you cry out soundly like a small kid, which both ways i have done. I laughed a lot, hoping that all the problems can be forgotten and just enjoy the moment; I cried long enough, taking the opportunity to explode out powerfully, and then just continue to pour the minds with all the problems, wishing that all these can flow away in the tears.

Maybe it helps, maybe it won't. I couldn't be sure. All i wish is i can be stronger, and that i have exploded. I am not sure when is my next explosion with problems keep raining down on me. I need a ''get away''. How much i wish to have something to hold on to, a bolster, a dog or maybe a person...

Disconnected

Holidays' ending soon, with a blink of an eye, it's already left with few days. I looked at myself again in front of the mirror this morning. I haven't shaved my moustache and the growing beard. My hair is messy and untrimmed. I looked sort of messed up, just like my current life. I brushed my teeth and washed my face, secretly hoping that it can help me to wash away the vexation that roam around inside my mind.

I had done nothing at all during this semester break, at least nothing productive. I played computer games, finished the campaigns at last, got some sense of satisfaction. I slept a lot, i ate a lot, and nothing really, that i should have done. Worst of all, my eyes and minds are off the books and notes, not even to touch anything related to medicine. Feeling really guilty and regreted, i failed myself again. The never ending ''indiscipline'' life of mine. From the moment i stepped into the world of medicine, the first and golden rule of studying/practising in this field is to constantly updating yourself, with such enthusiasm and interest as wide as cloudless sky. But to tell my situation now, i have really get ''disconnected'' totally from the medical world. How am i going to be a professional doctor, if part of my life is not about medicine? Again, i sighed...

A new semester is going to commence soon, and it will mean payment and fees again. Money matter again. It's not a small amount of money, at least for my family. It's the same deja vu all over again. Waves of unpleasant feelings keep crushing down on me, i have known this feeling so well. I dislike it so much, and i wish i can do something about it as well. Indeed, sometimes i do believe that i am totally useless. Knowing the hardship of earning money is not enough, i despise myself for unable to earn a single cent. Really hope time can move even faster, so that i can stand up on my own feet, and get rid of this ugly feelings. Though it's still a very long way to go.

I guess these few days are the time left for me to get ready for this coming semester, mentally and physically. Time to buck up and continue to walk through this long journey...

Something About Relationship...

Very often we can see lots of couples on the street, shopping malls, restaurants, and almost everywhere everyday. A relationship, that's the 'invisible string' that hold the two persons together, which makes them a couple. Boyfriends and girlfriends, that's how they called it, special terms used to describe the relationship that exist between them. How funny, with these special terms, they are closer to each other than with other 'normal' friends. Is it really these terms that bring them close? Or is it something else?

Sadly, most of people nowadays see a relationship as a temporary bond, a special condition to make two persons closer, or like a special ticket to be able to get access to the physical body - to touch, to hold, to kiss, and even more. Of course, in this century, there are people who don't need to be in a relationship to get on bed with others, '' it's adults' games'' or '' it's each other's desire and totally no coercion to have one night stand'' , that how they explain that what we perceive 'morally and religious' deviated behavious. It's a free world, as they always use to say. These are the groups of people who see relationship differently. It's what we called 'modern and advanced' among humanity as this century, to play with our bodies and fill our lust, separating from personal feelings.

A relationship is just a more 'close' term to use between a couple, it's not to be 'long-lasting', not to have any dream in it, just a temporary 'filling-in-the-position' thingy, or perhaps just a trial, nothing to be serious about. And these, are the minds of the 21st century people, the people with advanced technology and what they called the 'developed modern people'. For them, to be wanted to be faithful will be considered 'too controlling' or 'too possessive', it's a free world after all. As long as when the two persons are together having good time, that's the important part, the other time you can even go for another date. The only commitment is when two persons are together, and no commitment when two are not together. Only people like me who see relationship seriously, one to one commitment all the time, are really totally out of date, totally nerdy, totally stupid.

At least for narrow-minded people like me, a relationship is a commitment, a promise made to each other. It can be a trial, but a trial with real feelings, with hopes and dreams, not just the ''raging hormones''. It's a process to learn, to accept, to forgive, to take care, to know more, and of course, to love. Nothing is to play-play in a relationship, as to respect each other, and of course, this beautiful promise in a lifetime...