Death Or Alive 4

Staying at home doing nothing most of the time during this long hours of holidays, i have been playing the game called ''Death or Alive 4'', the continuing of the original story of ''Death or Alive'' and finished the story line again and again, for thousand times. But just couldn't get bored, after all it's a fighting game, and it's the only place in the world where fighthing with styles and all sort of different kinds of kung fu or fighting skills can be tried out. More than that, you fight coolly with sexy attires revealing either you panties or the six-packed body here and there, espeacially in DOA game where you can find all the sexy pretty girls and big muscle guys fighting each other. And of course, it's the place where you can release some form of stress without using the brain, and just keep fighting.

Surprisingly, although the basic concept of this game is founded upon fighting/sexploitation, the story line this time in DOA 4 is pretty interesting, at least the ending is truly amazing. The main focus this time is on Helena, which is the opera singer , daugther of the mistress of the main evil guy in the story who always had evil plans but died during previous DOA. She somehow inherited the whole big company, and doesn't feel a thing for her father's death due to the poor relationship with her father. But she had accepted the whole company in order to investigate her mother's murder case by an assasin. Doing everything and let nothing to stand in her way to find out the real killer, she had gradually fallen into darkness. But in the end, she had finally realized the betrayal and lost her grip. For all her sins, she decided to end the whole thing herself, by destroying the whole building, and slowly she walked into the fire with tears and reflections...

One thing for sure, the song at the ending is awesome and truly amazing. I fell in love with the song, title 'Amazing' by Aerosmith. The lyrics and the whole song sort of soothing the sore inside, and grant me the strength to walk on, it's really meaningful for some points, when it said : 'life is a journey, not a destination'...

Here i have put the ending video for DOA 4, which is really nice to watch, and somehow touching together with the song titled 'Amazing' by Aerosmith. One should really have a look, and trust me it's worthy. Watch the video until the end, and after that listen to the song (same song used in the video), which i uploaded in imeem, you might get a surprise at the end of the song...

Blank

In these days of holidays, there are lots of strong surges of wanting to write something out of the mind, to express my thoughts or ideas about anything. However, it always happens that when i reach to the computer and sit correctly in front of the computer, my mind gone blank and i couldn't write a word out. Never i realized that thoughts can disappear so fast...

Have been very down for these few days, all the spaces inside the heart are full of worries, and the mind keeps wondering far off away from here. I wish to write them out, because it's so hard and difficult to bear it myself. But when i wanted to write them out, i don't know how to describe them at all. Sad? Sorrow? Anger? Painful? I couldn't find the correct words, because i know i feel more than all these words can describe.

What's wrong with me actually? Too free? Too bored? Too busy-body? Maybe i am, i am not so sure. Why is it so difficult? I couldn't stay focus, it's too complicated. And now, my mind switches off again, i don't know what to write, maybe it wishes to continue sleeping and decides to run away from reality. How ironic, the brain and heart have their own set of thoughts, totally out of my control.

Now that i am really out of words to write, i don't know what to do. How to stop? How to continue? Frozen and falling slowly there...

My Little Adventure

At last, i decided to go out for a walk during the evening. After taking a shower, i opened the door and stepped outside. The sun was setting down, strong rays of light directly hit the face. It was warm though. Tears of little puppies can be heard, again. What's wrong with them, i wondered. Crying at least few times a day, i suppose it's their job to cry. Strangely. the sound was getting stronger, and yet i couldn't find the source from where it actually came from. There were few puppies playing there, biting each other tail, walking around clumsily like some small hamsters with huge head and teary eyes.

The crying never stopped and he sure cried out loud. The mother couldn't be seen anywhere, as usual. So i decided to look for the crying puppy, maybe to shut his mouth up by putting my finger into his mouth for him to bite. Looking around at the source of the sound, i couldn't see anything, or any sign except for the crying. So either my ear has problems or the puppy had some genetic mutations that he knows how to get invisible. The mystery solved very soon, after i saw the opening of the pipe channels water from the house to drain. Well, i was pretty sure he stucked inside there, as i had seen them playing around there for few days. What an adventurous puppy, i thought. From drain to inside the pipe, and now got stucked inside, what a creative game.

So, where the hell precisely is him? I wondered, my eyes couldn't see through wall and into the pipe. I knew he was there, but where is the location exactly. Even if i know, how am i going to take him out from there. Human technology hasn't advanced to the step of enabling me to shrink into a size of 10cm nor have i had gained telekinetic power through evolution, so what can i do, and how i am going to save him? I really got so frustrated and at one time believed that he could make it himself, but my conscience wouldn't allow me to leave him. So, i looked at the other big head puppies who continued to sniff around and walked unstably around. Maybe they can form a 'little saving squad', with their size, they can definitely go inside and pull or bite their brother out from there. But to think carefully, it was the most ridiculous plan as if i can talk and instruct these little big heads which kept falling while walking. So i abandoned my 'little saving team' and brainstorm again.

After a while, i decided to take action. I pulled up the steel grid and put it one side, put together with all the unused, dirty shoes at the side there. I needed to know where the precise location, and i grabbed the holder which we used to clamp the frogs that get stucked oftenly in our pipes system and with it, i tried to put it into pipe, and poked around hoping to 'feel' him. My sensory neurons were tensing up, ready to fire neurotransmitters to other neurons if there was any slight 'movement' or 'sign' of that little monster felt through the holder, and i thought i felt him. I moved into next phase once i got him, and tried to clamp him inside the pipe, hoping to drag him out. Unfortunely, the pipe was too small in diameter, and i couldn't retract the holder. Well, that explained why he got stucked with that huge head. Annoyed and frustrated, i had no choice but to lean down, and shove my whole arm into the pipe. It was really deep inside, and i mean whole arm with my face parallel to the floor. The best part was, there were dust, particles, excreations from i don't know what kind of bugs and i just showered, clean. But what choices do i have?

I controlled my fingers and moved around, trying to feel any of his body part, inside a pipe that i couldn't even see what were inside there. I moved around slowly, and deep inside swearing that i will spank him hard enough for all these after i saved him. After around 1 minutes, my fingers got him. His soft tender body which i couldn't grab. So i moved around, looking for parts that can be hold on to such as tail, legs or maybe even the head. Thank god i got the legs, and with some force, i tried to pull gently as to minimize the damage that might occur to those tiny legs. At last, he was out. Holding him on my palm, i was relieved. Looking at his watery eyes and his tiny vulnerable body, i decided to forgive him and not spanking him. So, i put him down, and immediately he ran around, trying to look for mother, which turned out to be another dog, and got scared away...

What a great satisfaction from saving a life today, and i am proud of myself. I saved a puppy, hooray!!! And well, let's hope he wouldn't find more troubles...

Fool's Gold

Exam is finally over. A sudden feeling of emptiness fills me immediately after the exam, maybe after almost few weeks of strugglings from morning to night has turned me into a machine, one that has been programmed to do work, and now to have the 'programme chip' lost, i have nothing else to do. It feels like losing the purpose for a while. I slept very late that night, couldn't fall asleep, and invovled totally into the world of games, not because i am really enjoying, but because at least the time passed.

Now i am back at hometown. Feeling totally lost, somehow strange, somehow disconnected from my home, my family members. Well, maybe these 3 weeks are chances for me to get in touch with them. There are new puppies, again. Things are changing, and of course including me. How nerdy i have become, i wonder. After realizing the how ignorant i am, i undergo process of transformation, slowly to become a new person.

And recently, i found that i enjoyed being nerdy, instead of being cool and popular. To stay undercover, behind the curtain, inside the room, just being myself. No mask require, just totally myself. No proud, no pride. To laugh whenever i want to, to cry whenever i need to. But i can't change the part of sealing all the deep feelings inside, i wish i can though. I don't have to stand up, just being invisible and continue this life.

Tired of lots of pride and proud around me, i decided to stay low profile. Because the more you shine, the more responsibility you bear, the easier you fall. And all for fame? To look good? Or because this is the way it is supposed to be? If nobody wants to be nerd, then let me be. If nobody wants to be loser, then let me be. It's ok to be weak, it's ok to lousy, after all, these are all just 'toys of feelings and perceptions' created by our minds, the society we live in. It depends on where you draw the lines up, based on yourself, or others.

I enjoy my own fantasies, amateur they can be, but at least they are good for me. This is me, and welcome to my world...

The Reality

The holidays are ending, the exam is coming and i am dying, trying my best to do the last minute strugglings in my studies. But as always, nothing really works well at the critical moment like this. Suddenly at this period, i relized how stupid am i, how funny and thinking about my set of thoughts from other point of view, i feel inferior and totally useless. So, even at this hour, i couldn't stand this feeling myself but to crawl back to my personal space here, to spit out all the blueish mood.

Everybody has his or her own set of minds, boundaries that mould the way they think, look and feel. The personal attitude, the 'special' parts about one person is born from all these invisible networks of thoughts and beliefs. Whatever right or wrong, good or bad, ugly or pretty, happy or sad, black or white and etc are nothing but personal perceptions built from underlying assumptions inside each mind. And thus result in what we all called our reality, the world that we live now. Of course, there are differences between everybody's reality, these are the differences between us as well. Now to realize how fake and stupid all the fundamental principles inside myself, i couldn't stop feeling down, feeling lost of confidence. The reality i am living in now, to see through all the weaknesses here and there, even my last piece of self-esteem is crushed down.

I am not smart, and now i am feeling stupid. I spent most of my times day-dreaming, thinking of i don't know what, wasting all the precious time i have. Living a indiscipline life, i don't have the rights at all to criticise others, not even eligible to be medical student, a good partner, nor a good friend. My intellectual level, my emotional quotine and etc, i am nothing but a total loser. I have nobody to be blamed, except for myself. I wonder why i will be like this? And i wanna to change, to live this life fully and wonderfully.