Uninvited Feelings

The day is bright and shinning. The sun is humbly radiating rays of light behind the sea of clouds in the blue wide sky, occasionally with some breeze and the cloud and grass will start dancing following the rythm of wind. At one point, life seems so beautiful, no flaw and totally perfect world. Looking up to the sky, as the wind blows towards me and my hair moves along, i face up to see the clouds. Somehow, at far distance, there's a dark grey gloomy cloud approaching slowly together with the wind...

Just back to school after one week of holidays, things are supposed to be fine and smooth. I am not lagging lots behind studies, and there's practically nothing to be worried about. Life now should be good, and i should be happy, contended and enjoying. But somehow, there's something deep and hidden unpleasant feeling inside me, making me sort of lost of direction in life. Worrying for something i am not sure and perhaps i don't know, i couldn't concentrate in much things in life. Things are supposed to be good and fine, and there should be nothing to be worried about, so why am i feeling this poisonous feeling here and there? I wonder.

So, i tried my best to divert my attention to movies, series and jokes with the hope that they might help me to forget and cheer up. It did help, but not lasting long. The uninvited feelings is still there. I went to sleep, as what i usually do when there's something bothering me, and ended up having nightmares. Ya, should be perceived as nightmares for me, glad that i am feeling worried for such dreams. A dream that is unwanted, especially the one that goes against your own wishes and principles. That's a nightmare. Uhh, now more to be worried, or all these are just imaginary feelings? I really hope it is.

Maybe too much free time without some healthy activities does has its effects. And too much free time is usually due to indiscipline lifestyle and not because there's nothing to do, especially for a medical student. With all the tight packed schedule, no way one can be so free. All back to my own main problem, which i had realized long time ago and haven't done anything to change. This is the original source of all my problems now, i think and i hope. Well, at least something can be done with that. No, more accurately, i wish, i should and i can. Let's hope so...