My Last Day Of 19 Years Old

My last day, living as a 19 years old boy, there comes lots of thoughts and memories. And I finally realize how long is actually 20 years. I guess this is how it feels, to have the memories and experiences for 20 years. It is in fact, a long period of time and can make all the differences in one’s life, though time is a impudent one, that it passes so fast without coming back, second by second….

Learnt a lot about the facts and truths of life, the world and of course myself, that the world is governed by the principal of equivalent trade, that people will have to sacrifice something in order to gain something, at least until now I still believe in it. We will definitely gain something, when we have put effort on something, whether it will be a good or a bad consequence is another issue, depending on how we define good and bad. In any case, we gain something that others didn’t in the end.

Tomorrow will be the day I walk into my twenties. Growing up, it means more freedom, respect, power; at the same time, more responsibility, expectation, problems…and I understand now that why certain people want to go back to their childhood. I guess if you can’t run away from it, then you should just prepare and face it with everything you have learnt. Time never stops, this is the reality… it is life, after all.

And so, I bid farewell to the last day of my 19 years old…

Hometown & Holidays

I have been in hometown for more than a week, sounds very short but seems to have happened lots of things. Perhaps it's true that when one is busy occupying with something, time passes by fast. Watching drama, playing computer games and etc, life seems to be simple and easy...

Hometown, a special place that when it rains, it's a rain of memories; when it shines, it's the light of hopes. The sky will always remind you of your origin, and the trees will always remind you of your root. It's a beautiful place where all the beautiful precious memories and experiences flow back to you, but it's also a place with some hidden darkness. The source of all the ideas, ambitions, thoughts, beliefs and values in the mind, brought back into the minds, with each breeze passes by, as if trying to keep reminding you of all the importance things and goals in life. And so, the inner fire is still burning silently...

The holidays are still very long, so do the goals. It's said that holidays are the rest stations in life, for us to rest and walk even further, just like a seed lying dormant underground, waiting for the right moment to sprout and become a fruitful tree...

Perhaps

It's the end of year already, almost everyone has gone back to their home, and parting is one of the inevitable events. However, it seems like there are more separations than ever this year, and it leaves marks on the heart, just like a burn mark on the shirt.

I have been staying in the hut for 2 years, a hut that has been sheilding me from the dark cold snow and rain outside. There are lots of good and bad times, sweet beautiful times. Spent time and effort trying to make it my permanent home, a home for my heart. Problem is, can i risk my heart there, of being crushed and broken one day? Or should i just walk away, leaving the hut for suitable others to occupy, and wandering in the outside world again...?

I couldn't be sure myself, there's always storm outside, and i will definitely feeling cold from time to time. Maybe time is what i need and perhaps, i will never be able to leave that hut...

I guess this is how i feel...

''It started out as a feeling, which then grew into a hope,
Which then turned into a quite thought, which then turned into a quite word.
And then that word grew louder and louder, ‘til it was a battle cry,
I ll come back… when you call me,
No need to say goodbye.
Just because everything’s changing, doesn’t meant it’s never been this way before.
All you can do is try to know who your friends are, as you head off to the war.
Pick a star on the dark horizon, and follow the light,
You ll come back, when it’s over, no need to say goodbye,
You ll come back, when it’s over, no need to say goodbye.

Now we are back to the beginning, it’s just a feeling and no one knows yet.
But just because they cant feel it too, doesn’t mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger ‘til they’re before your eyes.
You ll come back, when they call you, no need to say goodbye
You ll come back, when they call you,
No need to say goodbye…''

The Call, by Regina Spektor in The Chronicles of Narnia - Prince Caspian.


*Song with just lyrics


*Ending part of Narnia (MV of The Call)

WALL.E

Alone, for 700 years...doing the same old routine everyday in a lonely planet left by others, somehow he survives. Living contentedly, picking up all the garbage and the unwanted items among clusters of rubbish, making his own sweet home, and of course his only friend, a small cockroach. How this small waste loader robot can do all these?

WALL.E (Waste Allocation Load Lifter - Earth Class), how this small robot will touch your heart when he took care of his loved one, followed her back, and all the small little things, just for her in the name of love. How sweet and beautiful, so innocent and ignorant with only strong faith in himself, just hoping to hold her hand...

A movie based on love as the main theme. The love for other, love for mother nature, love between humans, and etc etc. Perhaps, we don't really need a soul to learn how to love, as long as there are ''sparks of magic'', love will grow, just like green plants...

I should say, the best hero created so far by Pixar.

''It's worth dying for someone like WALL.E, even if he is just a small dirty robot, because he has the most beautiful heart of all - a heart full of love...''

Into Album

Tomorrow is the day, the day my first year of MBBS programme ends. And so, these few days have been busy preparing my OSCE. Things seem to be fine, but will we ever know what will happen tomorrow?

Life can be so random sometimes, and so do human's emotion. And we ll never be able to predict how people will react to each other, including love. And so, in order to make things easier, something called 'faith' comes into play. But do you have faith?

I guess it's really time to go, when everything has no meaning, being there will just be annoying to the other. Usually people will leave with compliments taken together, while i guess i ll leave with all the negative feelings and unsatisfactions from the other. My mind has started to get blank, out of idea what to do. I doubted it works in one-way direction...

And so, i will be kept inside an album, and will just be a piece of memory waiting to be deleted one day. But i suppose it's ok, as long as happiness is guaranteed and the journey continues without me...

Missing And Losing

Whenever thoughts or feelings spur inside my mind, I always enjoy writing them out, as such feelings and thoughts are rarely the interest of others to spend time to be the listeners. The mood recently is on the down side, and the affect today is rather sad. The sun is bright outside, as if trying to cheer me up, though I doubted it worked. When it comes, it comes silently; and when it goes, it goes mutely…

Sitting in Starbucks coffee shop yesterday night after dinner, looking at how they have started to put up all the decorations for Christmas, my heart sinks and strings of nostalgic feelings consumed me. How fast, it’s almost the end of the year already. As all the Christmas items were being put up, just like the opening of curtain, season of love seem to have entered the stage…

Tomorrow is the final written exam, and i am more than stressful. I am still struggling to finish my revision, and comfort the wounded heart. Regretted never study well, and to lose it. When time passed by, it never comes back; and when bird flies away, it never flies back…

Perhaps it’s time to learn how to let go when the other has moved on…

And now the sky has started to rain...

A Simple Thought

Of a sudden, the long lost strange feeling of emptiness creep silently into my mind again. Water showering on my listless face, trying to get some warm with my eyes closing. Turn off the water, I wish to have a good sleep, knowing that another day has passed. Family, love, friendships, honesty, kindness, purity, ignorance and life…

We are always searching for meaning, somewhere and somehow, trying to make sense out of everything in life. Feeling helpless when nobody can understand you, or when you are not belonged. We have always wanted more than what we have, and never stop for a while to reflect on all the tiny little wonders we have in our lives now, and as in such we are always grabbing, fighting to get more, in an endless abyss.

Love can be very simple if one is understanding enough, caring enough, tolerate enough, and of course, loving enough. It exists in all sort of forms, between parents and children, siblings, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands and wives, friends, and all the surrounding things. We don’t need romantic melodies, nor elegance roses to praise it, it’s just there once the hearts are connected.

The light is off, I pull up the blanket and crawl into my sweet nest. With my body curls up, my breath fell on my palms and I know I am indeed lucky. Things in life can be really complicated and totally mess up your mood, but I do my best to ‘cartoonize’ everything little problem, at least innocence, ignorance and laughter can be found in cartoon world. I am glad not because of how much love I have gotten, but because I know how to cherish and be able to give out love. And so, I smile before being carried into the world of dreams…

''Anger and sadness are not the last feelings I wanna to experience…but love.''

Malaysia For One

Malaysia, a multi-cultural country where there are different races of people living together in this 329,847 km2 land. Since years ago before reaching independent, people of various races have been living together until now. Malays, Chinese, Indians, Iban, Kadazan, Bajau, Dusun and etc, all having their own unique culture. A mixture of everything, just like colours.

It’s part of human’s nature to be selfish, individually or in groups. So it’s not unusual to have arguments between races from time to time. We all have two eyes, two hands, legs, nose and ears, and the only difference is the colour of skin. And the question is, is the colour of skin is so important to even forget that we are all born from the same tree of different branches? Defining things are always human’s special ability, to be able to think rationally. Ironically, it’s also part of human’s weaknesses, to differentiate and judge on people by their skin colours, how funny.

One love undivided, fair and square. People living together in harmony and happily without dissatisfaction. One home for all of us, is all we should ask for…

(Below is a song made by Malaysia artists : Here in My Home)

青花瓷 Green Flowerish Porcelain

I have always enjoyed listening to songs which use chinese traditional musical instruments. And recently i found one song which the whole song is sung based on the chinese traditional style, with beautiful lyrics and music. Listening to this song, somehow i can feel the gentleness and the beauty of the traditional Oriental...

青花瓷 Green Flowerish Porcelain

素胚勾勒出青花笔锋浓转淡　
瓶身描绘的牡丹一如妳初妆
冉冉檀香透过窗心事我了然　
宣纸上走笔至此搁一半

釉色渲染仕女图韵味被私藏　
而妳嫣然的一笑如i苞待放
妳的美一缕飘散　
去到我去不了的地方

Chorus
*天青色等烟雨　而我在等妳
炊烟袅袅昇起　隔江千万里
在瓶底书汉隶仿前朝的飘逸　
就当我为遇见妳伏笔

天青色等烟雨　而我在等妳　
月色被打捞起　晕开了结局
如传世的青花瓷自顾自美丽
妳眼带笑意*

色白花青的锦鲤跃然于碗底　
临摹宋体落款时却惦记著妳
妳隐藏在窑烧裡千年的秘密　
极细腻犹如绣花针落地

帘外芭蕉惹骤雨门环惹铜绿　
而我路过那江南小镇惹了妳
在泼墨山水画裡　
你从墨色深处被隐去

(Repeat Chorus)

The brush outlines a beautiful pattern, brush strokes becoming lighter. The peony on the bottle, simplest beauty, just like you .Whiffs of incense smoke bring your troubles to my heart. I pause halfway while painting.

The glazing of the lady’s portrait hides her charm. Your smile, to me, like a budding flower. But your beauty dissipates like smoke, to a place I can never reach.

The perfect shade of blue awaits the right weather, like how I wait for you. From a thousand miles away, I gaze at the curling chimney smoke. The calligraphy beneath the bottle, elegance of the Han Dynasty. Our meeting I foreshadowed.

The perfect shade of blue awaits the right weather, like how I wait for you. The moonlight smudged away the remnants of our ending. Like legendary porcelain obsessed with itself, your eyes full of laughter.

Those blue carp seem to come alive on the white bowl. While I am imitating the Song inscription I’m thinking of you. The eon of secrets you buried in the kiln. It’s exquisiteness like an embroidery needle.

The banana tree outside brought the sudden downpour, and in turn the copper rust on the door handle. My passing by Jiangnan brings me to you. Yet you fade away into the deep abyss of the Chinese painting.

(translation extracted from Chinatown.blogspot, special thanks)

Missing Passion

It's been quite some time since i wrote here. Busy everyday with studies and other stuffs, life seems so different now, trying to catch up with time. Nothing really special happens, everything is so 'routine', just a straight flat line with no peak and crest. Ironically, life like this supposed to be peaceful and one should always cherish and be thankful to have it, but somehow i am feeling quite bored, with all the studies, eating, playing and of course sleeping.

I wonder what else i can write here, nothing come out from the mind, feel like a zombie, with no soul and a walking body. Need some kind of excitation, something to boost the spirit up, a stupid comedy or a good happy song. I wonder what others will do at times like this...

With the current MBBS course, there are really lots to learn and memorize. Anatomy of the upper and lower limb, the nervous system, pharmacology related to nervous system, basic of musculoskeletal system and all the clinical skills are enough to make me busy. Trying my best to balance between studies and entertainment, i know one has to be sacrficed a little bit more than the other. Even worse, my passion for everything is slowly disintegrated. Probably it's just a phase, i am pretty sure a good movie will be able to 'feed' the 'empty' mind, and find back the passion needed to continue this journey.

Uhh...what i need to do now? I wonder...

Drops Of Memories

It's been few days, i am not sure what has happened. Feeling worried and puzzled, i hope things are fine, and those words are not real. It hurts whenever i thought about them, because i know where is my heart lay on. Lots of flashback, as if advertisements snapping tv programmes. It never ends, just like waves in ocean, leaving marks everytime they come...

I snapped out of my own world when my friends talked to me. Sitting on the bench at pool side in my condo, they were celebrating birthday for a friend. After the cake cutting ceremony, everyone was chatting in their own group. It was raining a bit, and cold wind kept sweeping towards me. It was very cold, but somehow comfortable, soothing enough to reduce the unpleasant inner feelings. I breathed in deeply, and enjoyed the scenary of the pool side. The water looked so inviting that i wished to jump in and float around, watching the sky and perhaps, perhaps it will help...

It was late already, i had been talking, and thinking all the times. Tired, and will things be fine? As the rain drops touched the water surface, pieces of memories emerged in the mind, just like a small radiating wave. So precious, so special and so beautiful...And yes, i missed the moments very much...

Soon, i guess it's time to sleep, no point keep dwelling in the pool of problems, and perhaps things will sort out itself.

Another Day

Mid semester exam has finally over. Feeling extremely relieve, but at the same time irritated for the mistakes i made in the paper. Everything has gone back to normal routine life, wake up early in the morning, attend lectures, do practicals, eat meals, sleep a lot, study a bit and etc...just another typical day.

So, today i got up early because have to visit the old folk's home. Dressed formally, i ran to university to gather with my group members. Departed and then arrived there talking and trying to do some musculoskeletal examination on the elders, with full respect and fondness, but little confidence. After finishing the visit, i returned to my room, rest for a while and then have to take a cab with my selective teams to Pantai Hospital at Bangsar. Spent my whole afternoon in hand and microsurgery clinic with my tutor, learnt quite some knowledge, which i believe will be good in the future. Back to room in the evening, and out again to accompany my friends to buy present for our friend's birthday, which is the least i can do, since i didn't really contribute to anything.

Back at room at almost 11pm. Grabbed my towel and my pyjamas, i went to bathroom to take a shower. I closed my eyes, and stand under the warm water, slowly relaxing myself. My brain is tired, and my soul is missing. Shut down the thinking process, i just wished for a good sleep...

Rejuvenated

Rain has always inspired me in many unexplainable ways, it somehow washes away all the problems for a moment, and slowly it brings a soothing sensation to the surroundings. Everything becomes slow-motion, all the mixtures of noises are disappearing under the rain. As it continues, the problems in the mind are slowing fading, just like the noises surrounding, a sense of peacefulness gradually diffuse in.

Sitting beside the window in the library watching the rain as the droplets of water keep falling from the dark gray moody sky, I stopped reading for a while and enjoyed the beautiful moment. Even so, an odd feeling of sadness slips in silently, as if the rain has brought it together from the sky. I wonder why. Putting aside the feelings, I continue my reading, knowing that my exam is just a week away and as usual I am lagging a lot behind.

After an hour or so, I decided to go back my room. Walking under the mild rain, as cold breeze passes by, I grabbed my book and bag tighter. The leaves and trees seem smiling, totally refresh up. And so, as I walked back, I regained my strength…

To Stand Up Again

Busy, busy and busy...the pressure is building up, and my head is getting bigger with all the information coding into it. And of course, some other personal issues which constantly put me in worries. I have finally understood the reasons why some people prefer to always stay as child, at least a child doesn't need to think that much. But i suppose this is part of growing up, to learn how to manage own life, and be able to survive on with a smile on face. Ya....i am growing up.

Well, battling with ''worries'' and ''problems'' sometimes can be pretty hard, i have to focus on the present, while these worries and problems keep jumble around with my feelings, and since i only have one head, i can only focus on one problem at one time. So i always try to hide away, whenever i couldn't bear them anymore, to just sleep. But then i know i will have to wake up and continue fighting the ''wars'', for i know that the sweet dreams are just in front there, and that i have all the support and love, i become brave and my mind sight is increased even further, holding the invisible hands.

''Yesterday is a history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is gift, that's why it's called the present'', after feeling down for a while, it's time to get up again. To be sad is not an option, but to face and solve the problems is a necessity.

Sudden Lost Of Spirit

Feeling sick for a week and now finally recover. It was my rural placement week in Segamat, Johor. Arrived there on Monday, the beautiful scenes, the scent of palm oil trees and leaves of rubber trees somehow made me feel belonged. And yes, this is the kind of places I grown up, a rural small town, with all the trees and the wide blue sky. My mind was floating around, just like the white clouds in the sky, couldn’t stop feeling nostalgic. It’s so peaceful, so warm to just walk on the ground and let the wind refresh the body.

Recently, I have lost myself. Couldn’t be sure where my mind went, nor where my direction was. Lots of problems, with this and that, trying to find an equilibrium all the time, and sometimes I just want to run away, to play games or just to sleep soundly. My mind always gone blank, and I don’t have the spirit to do anything. I feel like just wanna to eat, sleep and play. Sometimes, it’s just me, this stupid ‘sudden lost of spirit’, the boring one…

Will it be better tomorrow? I lied on my bed and thinking again, time passed slowly, and again I have been on bed for hours. My eyelids were falling slowly, deep inside I hope it will be a beautiful day tomorrow…

Time Bomb

It's been the second week to back to university, new semester and a new beginning. Life has been so busy, so packed up and so messed up with lots of problems shooting from every single angle directed towards me. Rushing here and there, trying to concentrate all the times with memory snaps keep interrupting my mind. I couldn't stay focus for a longer time, and keep having mood swing. I know what's wrong with me, all the problems - love, family, friends, studies and etc etc...I hide them well enough that i think i deserve the award as best actor.

Trying really hard to organize my ''new'' life, so that i can keep up with the studies, and doing my best not to ignore other parts of my life, and at last i guess i screwed up everything. Feeling down from time to time, i cheered myself up, and my mind sort of ''shutting down'' in response to run away from the reality. I become so sleepy most of the times, and just couldn't control myself. Each problem inside the heart is like a small particle, sum up with all the small particles, it's like a time bomb to explode, anytime and anything can triggers it off.

And often, there are 2 ways to release all the hidden feelings, either you laugh out loudly like a crazy maniac or you cry out soundly like a small kid, which both ways i have done. I laughed a lot, hoping that all the problems can be forgotten and just enjoy the moment; I cried long enough, taking the opportunity to explode out powerfully, and then just continue to pour the minds with all the problems, wishing that all these can flow away in the tears.

Maybe it helps, maybe it won't. I couldn't be sure. All i wish is i can be stronger, and that i have exploded. I am not sure when is my next explosion with problems keep raining down on me. I need a ''get away''. How much i wish to have something to hold on to, a bolster, a dog or maybe a person...

Disconnected

Holidays' ending soon, with a blink of an eye, it's already left with few days. I looked at myself again in front of the mirror this morning. I haven't shaved my moustache and the growing beard. My hair is messy and untrimmed. I looked sort of messed up, just like my current life. I brushed my teeth and washed my face, secretly hoping that it can help me to wash away the vexation that roam around inside my mind.

I had done nothing at all during this semester break, at least nothing productive. I played computer games, finished the campaigns at last, got some sense of satisfaction. I slept a lot, i ate a lot, and nothing really, that i should have done. Worst of all, my eyes and minds are off the books and notes, not even to touch anything related to medicine. Feeling really guilty and regreted, i failed myself again. The never ending ''indiscipline'' life of mine. From the moment i stepped into the world of medicine, the first and golden rule of studying/practising in this field is to constantly updating yourself, with such enthusiasm and interest as wide as cloudless sky. But to tell my situation now, i have really get ''disconnected'' totally from the medical world. How am i going to be a professional doctor, if part of my life is not about medicine? Again, i sighed...

A new semester is going to commence soon, and it will mean payment and fees again. Money matter again. It's not a small amount of money, at least for my family. It's the same deja vu all over again. Waves of unpleasant feelings keep crushing down on me, i have known this feeling so well. I dislike it so much, and i wish i can do something about it as well. Indeed, sometimes i do believe that i am totally useless. Knowing the hardship of earning money is not enough, i despise myself for unable to earn a single cent. Really hope time can move even faster, so that i can stand up on my own feet, and get rid of this ugly feelings. Though it's still a very long way to go.

I guess these few days are the time left for me to get ready for this coming semester, mentally and physically. Time to buck up and continue to walk through this long journey...

Something About Relationship...

Very often we can see lots of couples on the street, shopping malls, restaurants, and almost everywhere everyday. A relationship, that's the 'invisible string' that hold the two persons together, which makes them a couple. Boyfriends and girlfriends, that's how they called it, special terms used to describe the relationship that exist between them. How funny, with these special terms, they are closer to each other than with other 'normal' friends. Is it really these terms that bring them close? Or is it something else?

Sadly, most of people nowadays see a relationship as a temporary bond, a special condition to make two persons closer, or like a special ticket to be able to get access to the physical body - to touch, to hold, to kiss, and even more. Of course, in this century, there are people who don't need to be in a relationship to get on bed with others, '' it's adults' games'' or '' it's each other's desire and totally no coercion to have one night stand'' , that how they explain that what we perceive 'morally and religious' deviated behavious. It's a free world, as they always use to say. These are the groups of people who see relationship differently. It's what we called 'modern and advanced' among humanity as this century, to play with our bodies and fill our lust, separating from personal feelings.

A relationship is just a more 'close' term to use between a couple, it's not to be 'long-lasting', not to have any dream in it, just a temporary 'filling-in-the-position' thingy, or perhaps just a trial, nothing to be serious about. And these, are the minds of the 21st century people, the people with advanced technology and what they called the 'developed modern people'. For them, to be wanted to be faithful will be considered 'too controlling' or 'too possessive', it's a free world after all. As long as when the two persons are together having good time, that's the important part, the other time you can even go for another date. The only commitment is when two persons are together, and no commitment when two are not together. Only people like me who see relationship seriously, one to one commitment all the time, are really totally out of date, totally nerdy, totally stupid.

At least for narrow-minded people like me, a relationship is a commitment, a promise made to each other. It can be a trial, but a trial with real feelings, with hopes and dreams, not just the ''raging hormones''. It's a process to learn, to accept, to forgive, to take care, to know more, and of course, to love. Nothing is to play-play in a relationship, as to respect each other, and of course, this beautiful promise in a lifetime...

Death Or Alive 4

Staying at home doing nothing most of the time during this long hours of holidays, i have been playing the game called ''Death or Alive 4'', the continuing of the original story of ''Death or Alive'' and finished the story line again and again, for thousand times. But just couldn't get bored, after all it's a fighting game, and it's the only place in the world where fighthing with styles and all sort of different kinds of kung fu or fighting skills can be tried out. More than that, you fight coolly with sexy attires revealing either you panties or the six-packed body here and there, espeacially in DOA game where you can find all the sexy pretty girls and big muscle guys fighting each other. And of course, it's the place where you can release some form of stress without using the brain, and just keep fighting.

Surprisingly, although the basic concept of this game is founded upon fighting/sexploitation, the story line this time in DOA 4 is pretty interesting, at least the ending is truly amazing. The main focus this time is on Helena, which is the opera singer , daugther of the mistress of the main evil guy in the story who always had evil plans but died during previous DOA. She somehow inherited the whole big company, and doesn't feel a thing for her father's death due to the poor relationship with her father. But she had accepted the whole company in order to investigate her mother's murder case by an assasin. Doing everything and let nothing to stand in her way to find out the real killer, she had gradually fallen into darkness. But in the end, she had finally realized the betrayal and lost her grip. For all her sins, she decided to end the whole thing herself, by destroying the whole building, and slowly she walked into the fire with tears and reflections...

One thing for sure, the song at the ending is awesome and truly amazing. I fell in love with the song, title 'Amazing' by Aerosmith. The lyrics and the whole song sort of soothing the sore inside, and grant me the strength to walk on, it's really meaningful for some points, when it said : 'life is a journey, not a destination'...

Here i have put the ending video for DOA 4, which is really nice to watch, and somehow touching together with the song titled 'Amazing' by Aerosmith. One should really have a look, and trust me it's worthy. Watch the video until the end, and after that listen to the song (same song used in the video), which i uploaded in imeem, you might get a surprise at the end of the song...

Blank

In these days of holidays, there are lots of strong surges of wanting to write something out of the mind, to express my thoughts or ideas about anything. However, it always happens that when i reach to the computer and sit correctly in front of the computer, my mind gone blank and i couldn't write a word out. Never i realized that thoughts can disappear so fast...

Have been very down for these few days, all the spaces inside the heart are full of worries, and the mind keeps wondering far off away from here. I wish to write them out, because it's so hard and difficult to bear it myself. But when i wanted to write them out, i don't know how to describe them at all. Sad? Sorrow? Anger? Painful? I couldn't find the correct words, because i know i feel more than all these words can describe.

What's wrong with me actually? Too free? Too bored? Too busy-body? Maybe i am, i am not so sure. Why is it so difficult? I couldn't stay focus, it's too complicated. And now, my mind switches off again, i don't know what to write, maybe it wishes to continue sleeping and decides to run away from reality. How ironic, the brain and heart have their own set of thoughts, totally out of my control.

Now that i am really out of words to write, i don't know what to do. How to stop? How to continue? Frozen and falling slowly there...

My Little Adventure

At last, i decided to go out for a walk during the evening. After taking a shower, i opened the door and stepped outside. The sun was setting down, strong rays of light directly hit the face. It was warm though. Tears of little puppies can be heard, again. What's wrong with them, i wondered. Crying at least few times a day, i suppose it's their job to cry. Strangely. the sound was getting stronger, and yet i couldn't find the source from where it actually came from. There were few puppies playing there, biting each other tail, walking around clumsily like some small hamsters with huge head and teary eyes.

The crying never stopped and he sure cried out loud. The mother couldn't be seen anywhere, as usual. So i decided to look for the crying puppy, maybe to shut his mouth up by putting my finger into his mouth for him to bite. Looking around at the source of the sound, i couldn't see anything, or any sign except for the crying. So either my ear has problems or the puppy had some genetic mutations that he knows how to get invisible. The mystery solved very soon, after i saw the opening of the pipe channels water from the house to drain. Well, i was pretty sure he stucked inside there, as i had seen them playing around there for few days. What an adventurous puppy, i thought. From drain to inside the pipe, and now got stucked inside, what a creative game.

So, where the hell precisely is him? I wondered, my eyes couldn't see through wall and into the pipe. I knew he was there, but where is the location exactly. Even if i know, how am i going to take him out from there. Human technology hasn't advanced to the step of enabling me to shrink into a size of 10cm nor have i had gained telekinetic power through evolution, so what can i do, and how i am going to save him? I really got so frustrated and at one time believed that he could make it himself, but my conscience wouldn't allow me to leave him. So, i looked at the other big head puppies who continued to sniff around and walked unstably around. Maybe they can form a 'little saving squad', with their size, they can definitely go inside and pull or bite their brother out from there. But to think carefully, it was the most ridiculous plan as if i can talk and instruct these little big heads which kept falling while walking. So i abandoned my 'little saving team' and brainstorm again.

After a while, i decided to take action. I pulled up the steel grid and put it one side, put together with all the unused, dirty shoes at the side there. I needed to know where the precise location, and i grabbed the holder which we used to clamp the frogs that get stucked oftenly in our pipes system and with it, i tried to put it into pipe, and poked around hoping to 'feel' him. My sensory neurons were tensing up, ready to fire neurotransmitters to other neurons if there was any slight 'movement' or 'sign' of that little monster felt through the holder, and i thought i felt him. I moved into next phase once i got him, and tried to clamp him inside the pipe, hoping to drag him out. Unfortunely, the pipe was too small in diameter, and i couldn't retract the holder. Well, that explained why he got stucked with that huge head. Annoyed and frustrated, i had no choice but to lean down, and shove my whole arm into the pipe. It was really deep inside, and i mean whole arm with my face parallel to the floor. The best part was, there were dust, particles, excreations from i don't know what kind of bugs and i just showered, clean. But what choices do i have?

I controlled my fingers and moved around, trying to feel any of his body part, inside a pipe that i couldn't even see what were inside there. I moved around slowly, and deep inside swearing that i will spank him hard enough for all these after i saved him. After around 1 minutes, my fingers got him. His soft tender body which i couldn't grab. So i moved around, looking for parts that can be hold on to such as tail, legs or maybe even the head. Thank god i got the legs, and with some force, i tried to pull gently as to minimize the damage that might occur to those tiny legs. At last, he was out. Holding him on my palm, i was relieved. Looking at his watery eyes and his tiny vulnerable body, i decided to forgive him and not spanking him. So, i put him down, and immediately he ran around, trying to look for mother, which turned out to be another dog, and got scared away...

What a great satisfaction from saving a life today, and i am proud of myself. I saved a puppy, hooray!!! And well, let's hope he wouldn't find more troubles...

Fool's Gold

Exam is finally over. A sudden feeling of emptiness fills me immediately after the exam, maybe after almost few weeks of strugglings from morning to night has turned me into a machine, one that has been programmed to do work, and now to have the 'programme chip' lost, i have nothing else to do. It feels like losing the purpose for a while. I slept very late that night, couldn't fall asleep, and invovled totally into the world of games, not because i am really enjoying, but because at least the time passed.

Now i am back at hometown. Feeling totally lost, somehow strange, somehow disconnected from my home, my family members. Well, maybe these 3 weeks are chances for me to get in touch with them. There are new puppies, again. Things are changing, and of course including me. How nerdy i have become, i wonder. After realizing the how ignorant i am, i undergo process of transformation, slowly to become a new person.

And recently, i found that i enjoyed being nerdy, instead of being cool and popular. To stay undercover, behind the curtain, inside the room, just being myself. No mask require, just totally myself. No proud, no pride. To laugh whenever i want to, to cry whenever i need to. But i can't change the part of sealing all the deep feelings inside, i wish i can though. I don't have to stand up, just being invisible and continue this life.

Tired of lots of pride and proud around me, i decided to stay low profile. Because the more you shine, the more responsibility you bear, the easier you fall. And all for fame? To look good? Or because this is the way it is supposed to be? If nobody wants to be nerd, then let me be. If nobody wants to be loser, then let me be. It's ok to be weak, it's ok to lousy, after all, these are all just 'toys of feelings and perceptions' created by our minds, the society we live in. It depends on where you draw the lines up, based on yourself, or others.

I enjoy my own fantasies, amateur they can be, but at least they are good for me. This is me, and welcome to my world...

The Reality

The holidays are ending, the exam is coming and i am dying, trying my best to do the last minute strugglings in my studies. But as always, nothing really works well at the critical moment like this. Suddenly at this period, i relized how stupid am i, how funny and thinking about my set of thoughts from other point of view, i feel inferior and totally useless. So, even at this hour, i couldn't stand this feeling myself but to crawl back to my personal space here, to spit out all the blueish mood.

Everybody has his or her own set of minds, boundaries that mould the way they think, look and feel. The personal attitude, the 'special' parts about one person is born from all these invisible networks of thoughts and beliefs. Whatever right or wrong, good or bad, ugly or pretty, happy or sad, black or white and etc are nothing but personal perceptions built from underlying assumptions inside each mind. And thus result in what we all called our reality, the world that we live now. Of course, there are differences between everybody's reality, these are the differences between us as well. Now to realize how fake and stupid all the fundamental principles inside myself, i couldn't stop feeling down, feeling lost of confidence. The reality i am living in now, to see through all the weaknesses here and there, even my last piece of self-esteem is crushed down.

I am not smart, and now i am feeling stupid. I spent most of my times day-dreaming, thinking of i don't know what, wasting all the precious time i have. Living a indiscipline life, i don't have the rights at all to criticise others, not even eligible to be medical student, a good partner, nor a good friend. My intellectual level, my emotional quotine and etc, i am nothing but a total loser. I have nobody to be blamed, except for myself. I wonder why i will be like this? And i wanna to change, to live this life fully and wonderfully.

Drained

After 3 days of holidays spent in hometown, finally I am back to my nest again in Kuala Lumpur. Feeling extremely tired and totally exhausted today, most probably due to the long weekend and the sudden increase in use of mind concentration from 8am to 5pm with only one hour break. I guess too much holidays really spoil the brain in some ways, and of course, too much work/studies will fry the brain in some other ways too.

Stepped into my room after a long day in university at around 5 pm, i turned on my laptop and lied on my bed, didn’t have much energy left even for sitting. Went out dinner after an hour or so, I returned to my room and instantly collapsed down. My body was tired and my mind was in chaos. I couldn’t think straight, nor could I talk properly. My eyes were closing, and as the vision went blur, i know my brain was shutting down, and I fell asleep with my phone beside me. Oddly under such situation, supposedly I should have slept soundly with totally zero conscious left, but somehow I was half awake. Maybe the brain wanted to rest and forget but the heart will never tell a lie about feelings.

Woke up finally, looked at the time I realized that it was already midnight and I hadn’t showered yet. So reluctantly, I took my pajama and went into bathroom for a bath. Looking at myself in front of the mirror, I can’t believe I looked so listless, messy and into the eyes, I can feel it instantly, I knew it so well. Took off my clothes, and turned on the water heater, letting the warm water to run down from my face all the way down. It was in the middle of the night, and I hope taking a hot bath can somehow warm me up, and to rejuvenate the spirit and the inner heart. I hope it can...

It was so silent, I can hear the whooshing sound of the air-cond, and the turning clicking sound of the fan. It was somehow peaceful, somehow relaxing for me to just lie down on bed closing my eyes, with my arms up and around my head. It was really calming. Felt much better now after the hot bath, I let my mind wonder freely from anything to anywhere. Playing with my mind again, I started to enter back the world of dreams again…and yes, the heart will never lie.

天灾无情，人间有情 : Earthquake In Sichuan, China

[ ''I am very tired, i wanna to go back to sleep...'' she talked with such a weak voice, little breathing can be heard.

''You are a very brave girl, please hold on, please. Don't fall asleep, we are proud of you, and we are here, with you, just please hold on...'' he told the little girl, who was trapped inside there, totally dark with three dead bodies around her.

Holding her hand, he kept trying to encourage her, tensing his muscles, he wished he can pull her out from there. It had been three days, without food, without water, and the oxygen was low in concentration, but somehow the hope kept the little girl's heart keep pumping, struggling to keep breathing. Will she be saved? ]

[ ''It's painful, i wanna to see my parents...'' the little boy said, with his dirty and dusty face, he wished to go back home.

'' Don't be afraid, you are a strong kid, stay strong, ok?'' the doctor replied, and continued cleaning the little boy's open wounds, to prevent any infections, though some wounds had been infected badly and most probably will have to be amputated.

''I am very thirsty, i want to drink some water,'' he asked the doctor, hoping to get some water while enduring the pain all over his body.

The doctor looked around, there was no clean water available. Luckily, the nearby standing reporter instantly gave out her only 1/3 bottle of water left to the doctor. The doctor accepted it, and slowly, he fed the little boy with that small amount of water. Looking at this scene, the reporter standing there couldn't control herself, tears started to flow down from her cheeks... ]

It's a disaster, an earthquake has taken everything and everyone away. The city has turned into a huge waste land. People are working hard, trying their best to look for survivals, and helped them to get out from all the rocks and dust. Lots of people are missing, and lots of people are crying. At this moment, the value of one's life is precious for everyone, whether you are rich or poor, smart or stupid, strong or weak, old or young....everyone is worried about your life. People are sweating hard, to dig them out, to look for the missing ones, and if possible to save them. The scene is devastating...

Current death toll is approaching 20 thousands people and at least 40 thousands people are still missing. It's heart-breaking to hear the news. The city of Sichuan in China, all the lost ones and all the unknown ones, they need help and where is the love? So, for the people from all over the world, please try to help them through donations or at least pray for them. And for people who are still trapping in there, please stay strong and keep the hope up, please live on...

天灾无情，人间有情 : Myanmar Cyclone

The wind blew so strong and so cruel without any sign of empathy, bringing the cold heavy rain to all the people below. Everyone tried to hide and run away, but there was no escape, as the water flooded every places to stand. Things were being flew away, trees, cars, houses, etc including precious lives. They were screaming, and trying their best to save their lives, their beloved ones, their family....

Death bodies can be seen everywhere, lying there and most are already rotting. Everywhere is flooded with cold muddy water, though the tears of people are warm. Their homes and belongings are gone, their most precious ones are dead and missing, and their hearts are broken. They lost everything. Their village had turned into vast brownish sea, with corpses here and there. They are waiting on top of their homes, waiting to be saved, waiting to step on the land again. Is this hell? They are wondering will happen to their future? Or more precisely will there be any future?

The official death toll has reached 78 thousands of people, with 55 thousands of people are still missing and 2.5 millions of desperate survivals. It's a chaos here and there, even worse than a war zone. So many things are destroyed and so many lives have been sacrificed. The nature indeed has showed no mercy at all. The aftermath of the raging storm is grievous. One is considered very lucky to be able to see the aftermath, and of course the results are unknown for most of them. The survivals desperately need water, food, shelther and medical care. All the world is trying to reach there and to reach out a comforting hand to them. Let us gather together, and let us help them through this hours of darkness...

My heart is bleeding for them, how i wish i can be there to help them. The news of people suffering and corpses rotting cut me open, and i couldn't stop my tears from dropping. So, please pray for them, and help them through donation if possible. We are all the same, let us stand together and be strong. And maybe, this is a hint, that i should specialize into disaster medicine...

The Unquenchable Thirst

I am feeling hot, my blood is boiling, my heart rate increases and i need it. The urge to do it instantly is so strong, and it's been really a long time since i got such feeling. I hope to have it and enjoy the pleasure with full attention onto it, and just indulge in it totally. My heart beats faster and harder each time i think of it. The urge is so powerful that it electrocuted me, making me feeling so high, and yes, i need the paradise.

I was surprised, rarely i have such feelings, such powerful burning sensation inside me, the force of wanting something is drawing all my spirit out. I want to have one now, and do it on the spot, anywhere and anytime. It will be best if i can have few at one time, to fill my needs, and satisfy my wild desire. But of course i can't, because i can only concentrate on one. And the best will be doing it on bed, lying there and enjoying every single moment of doing it. I doubted i can put it down, i need to do it continuously, without stopping. The desire to get more is insatiable. And of course, i will not miss this rare opportunity of this once in a blue moon hunger, to enjoy one of life's most pleasing activities.

Ahh....this desire, need, wish, hunger and urge needed to be satisfied and fulfilled. I can't wait to get one and go straight to bed. Please, i need more and more, to cool down this burning fire inside me, and quench this incredible thrist - the thirst for knowledge and books... :p

Funny Medical Students - The Brilliant Ones?

I have become a medical student for quite a while, at least for half a year already, considering my past experience of being one in IMU, and currently as a medical student in Monash University. I doubted with such a short period of time getting into medical field, i am not eligible to give comments nor to write about any scientific journals. However, this half year experience as medical student in both university might just have given me an insight of most medical students' thoughts.

I always wonder, what is it to be a medical student? What's the main purpose of me being a medical student? And what's the force that keep pushing me foward to complete this long course? The answer can be very simple. To be a medical student, it requires both true interest and burning enthusiasm towards medicine. And with these two elements, the purpose of being a medical student is given rise - to be a good doctor with ever-lasting thirst for knowledge and the principles of wanted to contribute to the society. So, in order to keep these 2 reasons alive, there should always be constant stimulants, or maybe just the thoughts itself of the reasons.

The answers are indeed very simple. But somehow, most of the medical students (at least from what i have noticed) don't act reasonably to their purpose of wanting to become a doctor, assuming if their reasons of wanting to become doctor are the same as mentioned above. The learning atmosphere in university where everyone suppose to learn and gain the knowledge together as peers and collegues, somehow has changed to a war field where everyone's having cold war with each other, wearing a smiley mask where in fact underlying the mask is nothing but eagerness of defeating each other. The notion of wanting to be smarter, or more precisely afraid of losing become so strong that it acts as the forces that drive them keep moving forward. It has become a competitive race, a game to be won; between survivals and losers, praised or humiliated, superiors and inferiors. They are studying to compete with others, instead of learning skills and knowledge for themselves in the future. From a beautiful starter changes to an ugly dessert, what a shame.

Personally, i believe that being a medical student, we are there to learn and to be trained, rather than being there to study. Study is more of a technical reading and memorizing the book activity, whereas learn and train are more of involving changes, to become and to master certain skills and knowledge, necessary to be a doctor. And supposingly, medical students should be smart enough to realize about the nature of the course. It is not just reading and memorizing piles of thick books, but to be able to apply the knowledge, to think like a mature person and act like a professional doctor are the main factors here. But somehow, most of the medical students now are unable to be like that, perhaps the egoness that existed in them after scoring lots of As and being recognized as the 'brilliant ones' has gone into their head that in order to maintain their 'reputation' , they will study so hard, as to score highest marks in the exam, and to defeat others.

Of course, it's always good when there's positive competition, because it helps in encouraging each other to work harder. But too much of it, it becomes destructive. After all, being a doctor isn't just about reading the books. The difference between a doctor and a normal person is not about how much the doctor knows, but the ability to think, to apply and to act like a professional one, which will make all the difference.