Fool's Gold

Exam is finally over. A sudden feeling of emptiness fills me immediately after the exam, maybe after almost few weeks of strugglings from morning to night has turned me into a machine, one that has been programmed to do work, and now to have the 'programme chip' lost, i have nothing else to do. It feels like losing the purpose for a while. I slept very late that night, couldn't fall asleep, and invovled totally into the world of games, not because i am really enjoying, but because at least the time passed.

Now i am back at hometown. Feeling totally lost, somehow strange, somehow disconnected from my home, my family members. Well, maybe these 3 weeks are chances for me to get in touch with them. There are new puppies, again. Things are changing, and of course including me. How nerdy i have become, i wonder. After realizing the how ignorant i am, i undergo process of transformation, slowly to become a new person.

And recently, i found that i enjoyed being nerdy, instead of being cool and popular. To stay undercover, behind the curtain, inside the room, just being myself. No mask require, just totally myself. No proud, no pride. To laugh whenever i want to, to cry whenever i need to. But i can't change the part of sealing all the deep feelings inside, i wish i can though. I don't have to stand up, just being invisible and continue this life.

Tired of lots of pride and proud around me, i decided to stay low profile. Because the more you shine, the more responsibility you bear, the easier you fall. And all for fame? To look good? Or because this is the way it is supposed to be? If nobody wants to be nerd, then let me be. If nobody wants to be loser, then let me be. It's ok to be weak, it's ok to lousy, after all, these are all just 'toys of feelings and perceptions' created by our minds, the society we live in. It depends on where you draw the lines up, based on yourself, or others.

I enjoy my own fantasies, amateur they can be, but at least they are good for me. This is me, and welcome to my world...