Sudden Lost Of Spirit

Feeling sick for a week and now finally recover. It was my rural placement week in Segamat, Johor. Arrived there on Monday, the beautiful scenes, the scent of palm oil trees and leaves of rubber trees somehow made me feel belonged. And yes, this is the kind of places I grown up, a rural small town, with all the trees and the wide blue sky. My mind was floating around, just like the white clouds in the sky, couldn’t stop feeling nostalgic. It’s so peaceful, so warm to just walk on the ground and let the wind refresh the body.

Recently, I have lost myself. Couldn’t be sure where my mind went, nor where my direction was. Lots of problems, with this and that, trying to find an equilibrium all the time, and sometimes I just want to run away, to play games or just to sleep soundly. My mind always gone blank, and I don’t have the spirit to do anything. I feel like just wanna to eat, sleep and play. Sometimes, it’s just me, this stupid ‘sudden lost of spirit’, the boring one…

Will it be better tomorrow? I lied on my bed and thinking again, time passed slowly, and again I have been on bed for hours. My eyelids were falling slowly, deep inside I hope it will be a beautiful day tomorrow…

Time Bomb

It's been the second week to back to university, new semester and a new beginning. Life has been so busy, so packed up and so messed up with lots of problems shooting from every single angle directed towards me. Rushing here and there, trying to concentrate all the times with memory snaps keep interrupting my mind. I couldn't stay focus for a longer time, and keep having mood swing. I know what's wrong with me, all the problems - love, family, friends, studies and etc etc...I hide them well enough that i think i deserve the award as best actor.

Trying really hard to organize my ''new'' life, so that i can keep up with the studies, and doing my best not to ignore other parts of my life, and at last i guess i screwed up everything. Feeling down from time to time, i cheered myself up, and my mind sort of ''shutting down'' in response to run away from the reality. I become so sleepy most of the times, and just couldn't control myself. Each problem inside the heart is like a small particle, sum up with all the small particles, it's like a time bomb to explode, anytime and anything can triggers it off.

And often, there are 2 ways to release all the hidden feelings, either you laugh out loudly like a crazy maniac or you cry out soundly like a small kid, which both ways i have done. I laughed a lot, hoping that all the problems can be forgotten and just enjoy the moment; I cried long enough, taking the opportunity to explode out powerfully, and then just continue to pour the minds with all the problems, wishing that all these can flow away in the tears.

Maybe it helps, maybe it won't. I couldn't be sure. All i wish is i can be stronger, and that i have exploded. I am not sure when is my next explosion with problems keep raining down on me. I need a ''get away''. How much i wish to have something to hold on to, a bolster, a dog or maybe a person...

Disconnected

Holidays' ending soon, with a blink of an eye, it's already left with few days. I looked at myself again in front of the mirror this morning. I haven't shaved my moustache and the growing beard. My hair is messy and untrimmed. I looked sort of messed up, just like my current life. I brushed my teeth and washed my face, secretly hoping that it can help me to wash away the vexation that roam around inside my mind.

I had done nothing at all during this semester break, at least nothing productive. I played computer games, finished the campaigns at last, got some sense of satisfaction. I slept a lot, i ate a lot, and nothing really, that i should have done. Worst of all, my eyes and minds are off the books and notes, not even to touch anything related to medicine. Feeling really guilty and regreted, i failed myself again. The never ending ''indiscipline'' life of mine. From the moment i stepped into the world of medicine, the first and golden rule of studying/practising in this field is to constantly updating yourself, with such enthusiasm and interest as wide as cloudless sky. But to tell my situation now, i have really get ''disconnected'' totally from the medical world. How am i going to be a professional doctor, if part of my life is not about medicine? Again, i sighed...

A new semester is going to commence soon, and it will mean payment and fees again. Money matter again. It's not a small amount of money, at least for my family. It's the same deja vu all over again. Waves of unpleasant feelings keep crushing down on me, i have known this feeling so well. I dislike it so much, and i wish i can do something about it as well. Indeed, sometimes i do believe that i am totally useless. Knowing the hardship of earning money is not enough, i despise myself for unable to earn a single cent. Really hope time can move even faster, so that i can stand up on my own feet, and get rid of this ugly feelings. Though it's still a very long way to go.

I guess these few days are the time left for me to get ready for this coming semester, mentally and physically. Time to buck up and continue to walk through this long journey...

Something About Relationship...

Very often we can see lots of couples on the street, shopping malls, restaurants, and almost everywhere everyday. A relationship, that's the 'invisible string' that hold the two persons together, which makes them a couple. Boyfriends and girlfriends, that's how they called it, special terms used to describe the relationship that exist between them. How funny, with these special terms, they are closer to each other than with other 'normal' friends. Is it really these terms that bring them close? Or is it something else?

Sadly, most of people nowadays see a relationship as a temporary bond, a special condition to make two persons closer, or like a special ticket to be able to get access to the physical body - to touch, to hold, to kiss, and even more. Of course, in this century, there are people who don't need to be in a relationship to get on bed with others, '' it's adults' games'' or '' it's each other's desire and totally no coercion to have one night stand'' , that how they explain that what we perceive 'morally and religious' deviated behavious. It's a free world, as they always use to say. These are the groups of people who see relationship differently. It's what we called 'modern and advanced' among humanity as this century, to play with our bodies and fill our lust, separating from personal feelings.

A relationship is just a more 'close' term to use between a couple, it's not to be 'long-lasting', not to have any dream in it, just a temporary 'filling-in-the-position' thingy, or perhaps just a trial, nothing to be serious about. And these, are the minds of the 21st century people, the people with advanced technology and what they called the 'developed modern people'. For them, to be wanted to be faithful will be considered 'too controlling' or 'too possessive', it's a free world after all. As long as when the two persons are together having good time, that's the important part, the other time you can even go for another date. The only commitment is when two persons are together, and no commitment when two are not together. Only people like me who see relationship seriously, one to one commitment all the time, are really totally out of date, totally nerdy, totally stupid.

At least for narrow-minded people like me, a relationship is a commitment, a promise made to each other. It can be a trial, but a trial with real feelings, with hopes and dreams, not just the ''raging hormones''. It's a process to learn, to accept, to forgive, to take care, to know more, and of course, to love. Nothing is to play-play in a relationship, as to respect each other, and of course, this beautiful promise in a lifetime...

Death Or Alive 4

Staying at home doing nothing most of the time during this long hours of holidays, i have been playing the game called ''Death or Alive 4'', the continuing of the original story of ''Death or Alive'' and finished the story line again and again, for thousand times. But just couldn't get bored, after all it's a fighting game, and it's the only place in the world where fighthing with styles and all sort of different kinds of kung fu or fighting skills can be tried out. More than that, you fight coolly with sexy attires revealing either you panties or the six-packed body here and there, espeacially in DOA game where you can find all the sexy pretty girls and big muscle guys fighting each other. And of course, it's the place where you can release some form of stress without using the brain, and just keep fighting.

Surprisingly, although the basic concept of this game is founded upon fighting/sexploitation, the story line this time in DOA 4 is pretty interesting, at least the ending is truly amazing. The main focus this time is on Helena, which is the opera singer , daugther of the mistress of the main evil guy in the story who always had evil plans but died during previous DOA. She somehow inherited the whole big company, and doesn't feel a thing for her father's death due to the poor relationship with her father. But she had accepted the whole company in order to investigate her mother's murder case by an assasin. Doing everything and let nothing to stand in her way to find out the real killer, she had gradually fallen into darkness. But in the end, she had finally realized the betrayal and lost her grip. For all her sins, she decided to end the whole thing herself, by destroying the whole building, and slowly she walked into the fire with tears and reflections...

One thing for sure, the song at the ending is awesome and truly amazing. I fell in love with the song, title 'Amazing' by Aerosmith. The lyrics and the whole song sort of soothing the sore inside, and grant me the strength to walk on, it's really meaningful for some points, when it said : 'life is a journey, not a destination'...

Here i have put the ending video for DOA 4, which is really nice to watch, and somehow touching together with the song titled 'Amazing' by Aerosmith. One should really have a look, and trust me it's worthy. Watch the video until the end, and after that listen to the song (same song used in the video), which i uploaded in imeem, you might get a surprise at the end of the song...

Blank

In these days of holidays, there are lots of strong surges of wanting to write something out of the mind, to express my thoughts or ideas about anything. However, it always happens that when i reach to the computer and sit correctly in front of the computer, my mind gone blank and i couldn't write a word out. Never i realized that thoughts can disappear so fast...

Have been very down for these few days, all the spaces inside the heart are full of worries, and the mind keeps wondering far off away from here. I wish to write them out, because it's so hard and difficult to bear it myself. But when i wanted to write them out, i don't know how to describe them at all. Sad? Sorrow? Anger? Painful? I couldn't find the correct words, because i know i feel more than all these words can describe.

What's wrong with me actually? Too free? Too bored? Too busy-body? Maybe i am, i am not so sure. Why is it so difficult? I couldn't stay focus, it's too complicated. And now, my mind switches off again, i don't know what to write, maybe it wishes to continue sleeping and decides to run away from reality. How ironic, the brain and heart have their own set of thoughts, totally out of my control.

Now that i am really out of words to write, i don't know what to do. How to stop? How to continue? Frozen and falling slowly there...

My Little Adventure

At last, i decided to go out for a walk during the evening. After taking a shower, i opened the door and stepped outside. The sun was setting down, strong rays of light directly hit the face. It was warm though. Tears of little puppies can be heard, again. What's wrong with them, i wondered. Crying at least few times a day, i suppose it's their job to cry. Strangely. the sound was getting stronger, and yet i couldn't find the source from where it actually came from. There were few puppies playing there, biting each other tail, walking around clumsily like some small hamsters with huge head and teary eyes.

The crying never stopped and he sure cried out loud. The mother couldn't be seen anywhere, as usual. So i decided to look for the crying puppy, maybe to shut his mouth up by putting my finger into his mouth for him to bite. Looking around at the source of the sound, i couldn't see anything, or any sign except for the crying. So either my ear has problems or the puppy had some genetic mutations that he knows how to get invisible. The mystery solved very soon, after i saw the opening of the pipe channels water from the house to drain. Well, i was pretty sure he stucked inside there, as i had seen them playing around there for few days. What an adventurous puppy, i thought. From drain to inside the pipe, and now got stucked inside, what a creative game.

So, where the hell precisely is him? I wondered, my eyes couldn't see through wall and into the pipe. I knew he was there, but where is the location exactly. Even if i know, how am i going to take him out from there. Human technology hasn't advanced to the step of enabling me to shrink into a size of 10cm nor have i had gained telekinetic power through evolution, so what can i do, and how i am going to save him? I really got so frustrated and at one time believed that he could make it himself, but my conscience wouldn't allow me to leave him. So, i looked at the other big head puppies who continued to sniff around and walked unstably around. Maybe they can form a 'little saving squad', with their size, they can definitely go inside and pull or bite their brother out from there. But to think carefully, it was the most ridiculous plan as if i can talk and instruct these little big heads which kept falling while walking. So i abandoned my 'little saving team' and brainstorm again.

After a while, i decided to take action. I pulled up the steel grid and put it one side, put together with all the unused, dirty shoes at the side there. I needed to know where the precise location, and i grabbed the holder which we used to clamp the frogs that get stucked oftenly in our pipes system and with it, i tried to put it into pipe, and poked around hoping to 'feel' him. My sensory neurons were tensing up, ready to fire neurotransmitters to other neurons if there was any slight 'movement' or 'sign' of that little monster felt through the holder, and i thought i felt him. I moved into next phase once i got him, and tried to clamp him inside the pipe, hoping to drag him out. Unfortunely, the pipe was too small in diameter, and i couldn't retract the holder. Well, that explained why he got stucked with that huge head. Annoyed and frustrated, i had no choice but to lean down, and shove my whole arm into the pipe. It was really deep inside, and i mean whole arm with my face parallel to the floor. The best part was, there were dust, particles, excreations from i don't know what kind of bugs and i just showered, clean. But what choices do i have?

I controlled my fingers and moved around, trying to feel any of his body part, inside a pipe that i couldn't even see what were inside there. I moved around slowly, and deep inside swearing that i will spank him hard enough for all these after i saved him. After around 1 minutes, my fingers got him. His soft tender body which i couldn't grab. So i moved around, looking for parts that can be hold on to such as tail, legs or maybe even the head. Thank god i got the legs, and with some force, i tried to pull gently as to minimize the damage that might occur to those tiny legs. At last, he was out. Holding him on my palm, i was relieved. Looking at his watery eyes and his tiny vulnerable body, i decided to forgive him and not spanking him. So, i put him down, and immediately he ran around, trying to look for mother, which turned out to be another dog, and got scared away...

What a great satisfaction from saving a life today, and i am proud of myself. I saved a puppy, hooray!!! And well, let's hope he wouldn't find more troubles...