Drops Of Memories

It's been few days, i am not sure what has happened. Feeling worried and puzzled, i hope things are fine, and those words are not real. It hurts whenever i thought about them, because i know where is my heart lay on. Lots of flashback, as if advertisements snapping tv programmes. It never ends, just like waves in ocean, leaving marks everytime they come...

I snapped out of my own world when my friends talked to me. Sitting on the bench at pool side in my condo, they were celebrating birthday for a friend. After the cake cutting ceremony, everyone was chatting in their own group. It was raining a bit, and cold wind kept sweeping towards me. It was very cold, but somehow comfortable, soothing enough to reduce the unpleasant inner feelings. I breathed in deeply, and enjoyed the scenary of the pool side. The water looked so inviting that i wished to jump in and float around, watching the sky and perhaps, perhaps it will help...

It was late already, i had been talking, and thinking all the times. Tired, and will things be fine? As the rain drops touched the water surface, pieces of memories emerged in the mind, just like a small radiating wave. So precious, so special and so beautiful...And yes, i missed the moments very much...

Soon, i guess it's time to sleep, no point keep dwelling in the pool of problems, and perhaps things will sort out itself.

Another Day

Mid semester exam has finally over. Feeling extremely relieve, but at the same time irritated for the mistakes i made in the paper. Everything has gone back to normal routine life, wake up early in the morning, attend lectures, do practicals, eat meals, sleep a lot, study a bit and etc...just another typical day.

So, today i got up early because have to visit the old folk's home. Dressed formally, i ran to university to gather with my group members. Departed and then arrived there talking and trying to do some musculoskeletal examination on the elders, with full respect and fondness, but little confidence. After finishing the visit, i returned to my room, rest for a while and then have to take a cab with my selective teams to Pantai Hospital at Bangsar. Spent my whole afternoon in hand and microsurgery clinic with my tutor, learnt quite some knowledge, which i believe will be good in the future. Back to room in the evening, and out again to accompany my friends to buy present for our friend's birthday, which is the least i can do, since i didn't really contribute to anything.

Back at room at almost 11pm. Grabbed my towel and my pyjamas, i went to bathroom to take a shower. I closed my eyes, and stand under the warm water, slowly relaxing myself. My brain is tired, and my soul is missing. Shut down the thinking process, i just wished for a good sleep...

Rejuvenated

Rain has always inspired me in many unexplainable ways, it somehow washes away all the problems for a moment, and slowly it brings a soothing sensation to the surroundings. Everything becomes slow-motion, all the mixtures of noises are disappearing under the rain. As it continues, the problems in the mind are slowing fading, just like the noises surrounding, a sense of peacefulness gradually diffuse in.

Sitting beside the window in the library watching the rain as the droplets of water keep falling from the dark gray moody sky, I stopped reading for a while and enjoyed the beautiful moment. Even so, an odd feeling of sadness slips in silently, as if the rain has brought it together from the sky. I wonder why. Putting aside the feelings, I continue my reading, knowing that my exam is just a week away and as usual I am lagging a lot behind.

After an hour or so, I decided to go back my room. Walking under the mild rain, as cold breeze passes by, I grabbed my book and bag tighter. The leaves and trees seem smiling, totally refresh up. And so, as I walked back, I regained my strength…

To Stand Up Again

Busy, busy and busy...the pressure is building up, and my head is getting bigger with all the information coding into it. And of course, some other personal issues which constantly put me in worries. I have finally understood the reasons why some people prefer to always stay as child, at least a child doesn't need to think that much. But i suppose this is part of growing up, to learn how to manage own life, and be able to survive on with a smile on face. Ya....i am growing up.

Well, battling with ''worries'' and ''problems'' sometimes can be pretty hard, i have to focus on the present, while these worries and problems keep jumble around with my feelings, and since i only have one head, i can only focus on one problem at one time. So i always try to hide away, whenever i couldn't bear them anymore, to just sleep. But then i know i will have to wake up and continue fighting the ''wars'', for i know that the sweet dreams are just in front there, and that i have all the support and love, i become brave and my mind sight is increased even further, holding the invisible hands.

''Yesterday is a history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is gift, that's why it's called the present'', after feeling down for a while, it's time to get up again. To be sad is not an option, but to face and solve the problems is a necessity.

Sudden Lost Of Spirit

Feeling sick for a week and now finally recover. It was my rural placement week in Segamat, Johor. Arrived there on Monday, the beautiful scenes, the scent of palm oil trees and leaves of rubber trees somehow made me feel belonged. And yes, this is the kind of places I grown up, a rural small town, with all the trees and the wide blue sky. My mind was floating around, just like the white clouds in the sky, couldn’t stop feeling nostalgic. It’s so peaceful, so warm to just walk on the ground and let the wind refresh the body.

Recently, I have lost myself. Couldn’t be sure where my mind went, nor where my direction was. Lots of problems, with this and that, trying to find an equilibrium all the time, and sometimes I just want to run away, to play games or just to sleep soundly. My mind always gone blank, and I don’t have the spirit to do anything. I feel like just wanna to eat, sleep and play. Sometimes, it’s just me, this stupid ‘sudden lost of spirit’, the boring one…

Will it be better tomorrow? I lied on my bed and thinking again, time passed slowly, and again I have been on bed for hours. My eyelids were falling slowly, deep inside I hope it will be a beautiful day tomorrow…

Time Bomb

It's been the second week to back to university, new semester and a new beginning. Life has been so busy, so packed up and so messed up with lots of problems shooting from every single angle directed towards me. Rushing here and there, trying to concentrate all the times with memory snaps keep interrupting my mind. I couldn't stay focus for a longer time, and keep having mood swing. I know what's wrong with me, all the problems - love, family, friends, studies and etc etc...I hide them well enough that i think i deserve the award as best actor.

Trying really hard to organize my ''new'' life, so that i can keep up with the studies, and doing my best not to ignore other parts of my life, and at last i guess i screwed up everything. Feeling down from time to time, i cheered myself up, and my mind sort of ''shutting down'' in response to run away from the reality. I become so sleepy most of the times, and just couldn't control myself. Each problem inside the heart is like a small particle, sum up with all the small particles, it's like a time bomb to explode, anytime and anything can triggers it off.

And often, there are 2 ways to release all the hidden feelings, either you laugh out loudly like a crazy maniac or you cry out soundly like a small kid, which both ways i have done. I laughed a lot, hoping that all the problems can be forgotten and just enjoy the moment; I cried long enough, taking the opportunity to explode out powerfully, and then just continue to pour the minds with all the problems, wishing that all these can flow away in the tears.

Maybe it helps, maybe it won't. I couldn't be sure. All i wish is i can be stronger, and that i have exploded. I am not sure when is my next explosion with problems keep raining down on me. I need a ''get away''. How much i wish to have something to hold on to, a bolster, a dog or maybe a person...

Disconnected

Holidays' ending soon, with a blink of an eye, it's already left with few days. I looked at myself again in front of the mirror this morning. I haven't shaved my moustache and the growing beard. My hair is messy and untrimmed. I looked sort of messed up, just like my current life. I brushed my teeth and washed my face, secretly hoping that it can help me to wash away the vexation that roam around inside my mind.

I had done nothing at all during this semester break, at least nothing productive. I played computer games, finished the campaigns at last, got some sense of satisfaction. I slept a lot, i ate a lot, and nothing really, that i should have done. Worst of all, my eyes and minds are off the books and notes, not even to touch anything related to medicine. Feeling really guilty and regreted, i failed myself again. The never ending ''indiscipline'' life of mine. From the moment i stepped into the world of medicine, the first and golden rule of studying/practising in this field is to constantly updating yourself, with such enthusiasm and interest as wide as cloudless sky. But to tell my situation now, i have really get ''disconnected'' totally from the medical world. How am i going to be a professional doctor, if part of my life is not about medicine? Again, i sighed...

A new semester is going to commence soon, and it will mean payment and fees again. Money matter again. It's not a small amount of money, at least for my family. It's the same deja vu all over again. Waves of unpleasant feelings keep crushing down on me, i have known this feeling so well. I dislike it so much, and i wish i can do something about it as well. Indeed, sometimes i do believe that i am totally useless. Knowing the hardship of earning money is not enough, i despise myself for unable to earn a single cent. Really hope time can move even faster, so that i can stand up on my own feet, and get rid of this ugly feelings. Though it's still a very long way to go.

I guess these few days are the time left for me to get ready for this coming semester, mentally and physically. Time to buck up and continue to walk through this long journey...