Drained

After 3 days of holidays spent in hometown, finally I am back to my nest again in Kuala Lumpur. Feeling extremely tired and totally exhausted today, most probably due to the long weekend and the sudden increase in use of mind concentration from 8am to 5pm with only one hour break. I guess too much holidays really spoil the brain in some ways, and of course, too much work/studies will fry the brain in some other ways too.

Stepped into my room after a long day in university at around 5 pm, i turned on my laptop and lied on my bed, didn’t have much energy left even for sitting. Went out dinner after an hour or so, I returned to my room and instantly collapsed down. My body was tired and my mind was in chaos. I couldn’t think straight, nor could I talk properly. My eyes were closing, and as the vision went blur, i know my brain was shutting down, and I fell asleep with my phone beside me. Oddly under such situation, supposedly I should have slept soundly with totally zero conscious left, but somehow I was half awake. Maybe the brain wanted to rest and forget but the heart will never tell a lie about feelings.

Woke up finally, looked at the time I realized that it was already midnight and I hadn’t showered yet. So reluctantly, I took my pajama and went into bathroom for a bath. Looking at myself in front of the mirror, I can’t believe I looked so listless, messy and into the eyes, I can feel it instantly, I knew it so well. Took off my clothes, and turned on the water heater, letting the warm water to run down from my face all the way down. It was in the middle of the night, and I hope taking a hot bath can somehow warm me up, and to rejuvenate the spirit and the inner heart. I hope it can...

It was so silent, I can hear the whooshing sound of the air-cond, and the turning clicking sound of the fan. It was somehow peaceful, somehow relaxing for me to just lie down on bed closing my eyes, with my arms up and around my head. It was really calming. Felt much better now after the hot bath, I let my mind wonder freely from anything to anywhere. Playing with my mind again, I started to enter back the world of dreams again…and yes, the heart will never lie.

天灾无情，人间有情 : Earthquake In Sichuan, China

[ ''I am very tired, i wanna to go back to sleep...'' she talked with such a weak voice, little breathing can be heard.

''You are a very brave girl, please hold on, please. Don't fall asleep, we are proud of you, and we are here, with you, just please hold on...'' he told the little girl, who was trapped inside there, totally dark with three dead bodies around her.

Holding her hand, he kept trying to encourage her, tensing his muscles, he wished he can pull her out from there. It had been three days, without food, without water, and the oxygen was low in concentration, but somehow the hope kept the little girl's heart keep pumping, struggling to keep breathing. Will she be saved? ]

[ ''It's painful, i wanna to see my parents...'' the little boy said, with his dirty and dusty face, he wished to go back home.

'' Don't be afraid, you are a strong kid, stay strong, ok?'' the doctor replied, and continued cleaning the little boy's open wounds, to prevent any infections, though some wounds had been infected badly and most probably will have to be amputated.

''I am very thirsty, i want to drink some water,'' he asked the doctor, hoping to get some water while enduring the pain all over his body.

The doctor looked around, there was no clean water available. Luckily, the nearby standing reporter instantly gave out her only 1/3 bottle of water left to the doctor. The doctor accepted it, and slowly, he fed the little boy with that small amount of water. Looking at this scene, the reporter standing there couldn't control herself, tears started to flow down from her cheeks... ]

It's a disaster, an earthquake has taken everything and everyone away. The city has turned into a huge waste land. People are working hard, trying their best to look for survivals, and helped them to get out from all the rocks and dust. Lots of people are missing, and lots of people are crying. At this moment, the value of one's life is precious for everyone, whether you are rich or poor, smart or stupid, strong or weak, old or young....everyone is worried about your life. People are sweating hard, to dig them out, to look for the missing ones, and if possible to save them. The scene is devastating...

Current death toll is approaching 20 thousands people and at least 40 thousands people are still missing. It's heart-breaking to hear the news. The city of Sichuan in China, all the lost ones and all the unknown ones, they need help and where is the love? So, for the people from all over the world, please try to help them through donations or at least pray for them. And for people who are still trapping in there, please stay strong and keep the hope up, please live on...

天灾无情，人间有情 : Myanmar Cyclone

The wind blew so strong and so cruel without any sign of empathy, bringing the cold heavy rain to all the people below. Everyone tried to hide and run away, but there was no escape, as the water flooded every places to stand. Things were being flew away, trees, cars, houses, etc including precious lives. They were screaming, and trying their best to save their lives, their beloved ones, their family....

Death bodies can be seen everywhere, lying there and most are already rotting. Everywhere is flooded with cold muddy water, though the tears of people are warm. Their homes and belongings are gone, their most precious ones are dead and missing, and their hearts are broken. They lost everything. Their village had turned into vast brownish sea, with corpses here and there. They are waiting on top of their homes, waiting to be saved, waiting to step on the land again. Is this hell? They are wondering will happen to their future? Or more precisely will there be any future?

The official death toll has reached 78 thousands of people, with 55 thousands of people are still missing and 2.5 millions of desperate survivals. It's a chaos here and there, even worse than a war zone. So many things are destroyed and so many lives have been sacrificed. The nature indeed has showed no mercy at all. The aftermath of the raging storm is grievous. One is considered very lucky to be able to see the aftermath, and of course the results are unknown for most of them. The survivals desperately need water, food, shelther and medical care. All the world is trying to reach there and to reach out a comforting hand to them. Let us gather together, and let us help them through this hours of darkness...

My heart is bleeding for them, how i wish i can be there to help them. The news of people suffering and corpses rotting cut me open, and i couldn't stop my tears from dropping. So, please pray for them, and help them through donation if possible. We are all the same, let us stand together and be strong. And maybe, this is a hint, that i should specialize into disaster medicine...

The Unquenchable Thirst

I am feeling hot, my blood is boiling, my heart rate increases and i need it. The urge to do it instantly is so strong, and it's been really a long time since i got such feeling. I hope to have it and enjoy the pleasure with full attention onto it, and just indulge in it totally. My heart beats faster and harder each time i think of it. The urge is so powerful that it electrocuted me, making me feeling so high, and yes, i need the paradise.

I was surprised, rarely i have such feelings, such powerful burning sensation inside me, the force of wanting something is drawing all my spirit out. I want to have one now, and do it on the spot, anywhere and anytime. It will be best if i can have few at one time, to fill my needs, and satisfy my wild desire. But of course i can't, because i can only concentrate on one. And the best will be doing it on bed, lying there and enjoying every single moment of doing it. I doubted i can put it down, i need to do it continuously, without stopping. The desire to get more is insatiable. And of course, i will not miss this rare opportunity of this once in a blue moon hunger, to enjoy one of life's most pleasing activities.

Ahh....this desire, need, wish, hunger and urge needed to be satisfied and fulfilled. I can't wait to get one and go straight to bed. Please, i need more and more, to cool down this burning fire inside me, and quench this incredible thrist - the thirst for knowledge and books... :p

Funny Medical Students - The Brilliant Ones?

I have become a medical student for quite a while, at least for half a year already, considering my past experience of being one in IMU, and currently as a medical student in Monash University. I doubted with such a short period of time getting into medical field, i am not eligible to give comments nor to write about any scientific journals. However, this half year experience as medical student in both university might just have given me an insight of most medical students' thoughts.

I always wonder, what is it to be a medical student? What's the main purpose of me being a medical student? And what's the force that keep pushing me foward to complete this long course? The answer can be very simple. To be a medical student, it requires both true interest and burning enthusiasm towards medicine. And with these two elements, the purpose of being a medical student is given rise - to be a good doctor with ever-lasting thirst for knowledge and the principles of wanted to contribute to the society. So, in order to keep these 2 reasons alive, there should always be constant stimulants, or maybe just the thoughts itself of the reasons.

The answers are indeed very simple. But somehow, most of the medical students (at least from what i have noticed) don't act reasonably to their purpose of wanting to become a doctor, assuming if their reasons of wanting to become doctor are the same as mentioned above. The learning atmosphere in university where everyone suppose to learn and gain the knowledge together as peers and collegues, somehow has changed to a war field where everyone's having cold war with each other, wearing a smiley mask where in fact underlying the mask is nothing but eagerness of defeating each other. The notion of wanting to be smarter, or more precisely afraid of losing become so strong that it acts as the forces that drive them keep moving forward. It has become a competitive race, a game to be won; between survivals and losers, praised or humiliated, superiors and inferiors. They are studying to compete with others, instead of learning skills and knowledge for themselves in the future. From a beautiful starter changes to an ugly dessert, what a shame.

Personally, i believe that being a medical student, we are there to learn and to be trained, rather than being there to study. Study is more of a technical reading and memorizing the book activity, whereas learn and train are more of involving changes, to become and to master certain skills and knowledge, necessary to be a doctor. And supposingly, medical students should be smart enough to realize about the nature of the course. It is not just reading and memorizing piles of thick books, but to be able to apply the knowledge, to think like a mature person and act like a professional doctor are the main factors here. But somehow, most of the medical students now are unable to be like that, perhaps the egoness that existed in them after scoring lots of As and being recognized as the 'brilliant ones' has gone into their head that in order to maintain their 'reputation' , they will study so hard, as to score highest marks in the exam, and to defeat others.

Of course, it's always good when there's positive competition, because it helps in encouraging each other to work harder. But too much of it, it becomes destructive. After all, being a doctor isn't just about reading the books. The difference between a doctor and a normal person is not about how much the doctor knows, but the ability to think, to apply and to act like a professional one, which will make all the difference.

Home Made Dishes

Just back from dinner, feeling disgusted of the food that i had just eaten. It was too salty, too sour, too sweet, too oilly, too much and more importantly, too unhealthy. It was the same few shops that i had my dinner and lunch everyday. For a student like me who has to leave hometown and away from home, eating outside is part of my daily routine. Nobody there to cook for me, nor that i can cook myself. Not that i don't know how to cook, but to cook for every meal for a student like me is too much, too tedious, and moreover it's forbidden to use hot plate in the hostel as to prevent accident. So, it's almost unavoidable to eat outside.

And now i started to feel how much i miss home cookings. The healthy, warm and delicious home made dishes by your spouse, family or close ones. The fragrant aroma as you arrive home, warm and readily prepared on top of the dining table, and more importantly, to have the important ones around you, waiting you at home with all the dishes on top of the table, waiting for your arrival to start digging in....and this is blissful. Those cookings are special and healthier because they are made with efforts being put onto, as well as the heart, the thoughts of wanna to keep you healthy and happy from your beloved ones, the ones that care for you. You can't really ask for more, can you?

Yes, the dishes might look simple, they might not be extremely tasty, nor they are wonderfully done with special recipes or ingredients. But there's something special inside in those simple looking dishes, one beautiful ingredient called love. It's not to be seen, nor to be tasted, it's there to be felt, using your heart. Most people won't find anything special about home made cookings, but for people like me who have stayed outside for quite some time, these cookings mean lots for me. Yea, i miss them...

I couldn't be sure of my future, and all the clouds of dreams, including this one, to have someone's cookings on top of dining table when i got home from work. Will it come true? I closed my eyes, and maybe the next time i open my eyes in the future, they will all come true...

Cocktail of Feelings

I am happy,
it's like a dream,
it felt like quite some time,
it's the times being just there together.

So glad and touched,
to be able to sleep and drool,
to be able to see smiles,
to be close and more importantly,
to be able to feel.

My days are bright,
because there are light,
riding horses with the knight,
feeling excited and holding tight,
even rainbow in the night.

Yes, this is the taste of happiness...

I am sad,
it's like a dream,
it's too short and fast,
it's knowing the times had passed,

So down and blue,
because there's void forming,
dark cold and chilling,
because it's missing,
and the feeling is killing.

My days are gloomy,
there's no more chimney,
the midnight oil burns dimly,
the night is no more starry,
and i am falling slowly.

Yes, this is the taste of sadness...

Consumed

I realized it finally, he was getting out of control. The chains that used to bind him had started to weaken and becoming brittle. I knew that sooner or later he will be free from all the chains of principles that had been restraining him from doing evil things, but i never knew that it will be soon. I used to be proud of all the principles, moral values and the beliefs that had well being established in my world, and all these had become iron chains and cage to lock him up, and prevent him from going into the wrong path. Now that these chains and cage have become weak and he might just break free anytime, escaping from all the constraints and unmasking the evil side.

I am worried now, the time is nearing, and i couldn't do anything, or can i? As time passed by, my soul get consumed, and i started to lose my personality. I like the way i am, i like all the strange principles, all the beautiful values and those innocent beliefs. And now, i am about to lose them all. If he ever escapes, i will definitely lose all my identity, and sure be condemned to ever lasting guilt. I don't want to be evil, i don't want to be out of control, living like a zombie with no brain as this life is nothing but just a ticket to self pleasure through immoral and evil deeds. This is a critical moment, i am slowly being engulfed by all these influences. My mind is blurred by the inviting promises, and i couldn't be sure where i am now.

Something needed to be done, before i lose myself. I wish i can control myself, strengthen up the chains through various mind battling, to fence off all the influences. But it's more than i can do, i need help. Perhaps an angel, loving and caring guardian angel to give support to me, to fill me with love and blessing, and surely this can aid and vanish all the influences, making a clear path for me to see and think, and for sure lock up and tighten the chains so that he will never be able to escape. Yes, i need to defeat him, to seal him up for good - this evil side of me...