Imperfection

I have always believed that i am imperfect and there are flaws in me, as we all know that there's no such 100% perfect human. But i have never really noticed what flaws i have until recently, i finally realized how 'defected' am i, from every perspective, physically, mentally, biologically, psychologically, socially and etc etc.

I am not a good looking person (in fact to a certain limit, i am very ugly), nor being granted a sexy body, but at least i am healthy and that's something i am really happy about. Other than that,i am selfish, self-centred, very possesive, very lazy, indecisive, timid, nervous and lots lots. I don't even have the bravery to shout at people, and to get angry and explode to the others. I think too much that i always afraid that i might be losing something or someone, if i have unleashed the anger out. The inability to get angry, and always be sad, is killing me softly somehow, because i have to shut everything to myself, let it explode inside my heart, leaving it bleeding all the time.

Occasionally, i would received some sms from my ex-classmates, wishing me luck or greetings me. And to be frankly, i have seldom replied them, i guess i don't really worth being their friends. I trapped myself at my apartment everyday after school, except going out for food. Locked inside this room, i never really wanted to go out, even if my school friends ask me out to shop around, or to movie.I thought i have everything, and there's no need to look around. Always playing the stupid computer games, i spent my time day after day. Am i addicted to them? Or is it just because i am too bored? Or it's the way to avoid 'unhealthy' hobbies? I often wonder myself.

I don't really understand, why some of my ex-classmates are still so good to me, sending sms sometimes, which i have never done, except to reply them. What is it in me that makes them remember me? With all the defects, i doubted i am a true friend to them. People have been so nice to me sometimes, but i have never been really nice to them, except for those i care. I feel ashamed of myself, for being myself, like that.

It's time to change, i suppose. Though changing is one of the things that human can hardly do. People don't change, i guess. Even so, i have to tried, because i don't want to be such a lousy person, to everyone. I have thought that i am satisfied with everything,that i have almost all, but now that i finally know i deserve nothing more than i get, cause nothing i have is truly mine...